I think I made a big mistake......

[Aveticus]

My fiance and I agreed to live in Vermont instead of my home state of connecticut when we get married because of her family and the cost of living.

Well over the course of christmas vacation, we somehow ended up talking about me moving up in vermont to work and get settled before we get married, which makes sense. But I told her I can't afford to pay rent in some apartment right now, because I was unemployed.

Long story short, we talked about having me move into her mom's spare guest bedroom and get a job and work to save up money so we can get a house and I can move into the house and get it settled intill we get married.

So basically I thought it would be a good idea, I moved into the guest bedroom, got a job which starts out at 40 hrs a week, for 9.50 an hour which isn't all that great but it is better then nothing.

I should meantion that she lives in the same house with her mom, so I'm sorta living with her in the same house.

The problem isn't sexual at all, we set clear boundries and we have been in that temptation before and learned how to avoid it by not being alone together in a bedroom and nothing more then cuddleing in a open public space like the living room.

The problem is, she wants me to be with her 24/7. I can't have alone time, it makes me very angry and upset because I can't take being with her ALL THE TIME. She likes to be all over me 24/7 and I told her that and she says she understands but gets all "upset" and whiny when she is told "No" when she wants to be with me.

For example, I was with her all day intill 9 pm, now she wants me to watch a movie with her, i told her that i didn't want too, and she complains and whines about it.

I don't get it, I told her that I love her but i need my alone time when i need it. It isn't like i'm neglecting her, because I see her all day all the time.


Did i make a mistake by moving up here to live with her in the same house? IT makes sense money wise to get established in the area we want to live in, but if i can't have time to myself, I'm going to go insane...

[covenant mom]

If you don't want to be with her all the time, you may want to reconsider marrying her.:noidea

[Literalist-Luke]

If you don't want to be with her all the time, you may want to reconsider marrying her.:noideaDitto.

[rdy4takeoff]

I have to agree after 20 years of marriage I can tell you that DH and I are together all the time except during work.

[†MARANATHA†]

If you don't want to be with her all the time, you may want to reconsider marrying her.:noidea


Even married people need time away from each other:lol

[rdy4takeoff]

This is true Teri but when you add in kids you will never be alone again till they move out. And sometimes they come back with their own children as well

[†MARANATHA†]

This is true Teri but when you add in kids you will never be alone again till they move out. And sometimes they come back with their own children as well

Yes, but they still need space from time to time.

[†MARANATHA†]

Ave, this wouldn't be her, would it?:fear

Guest Viewing Thread
I think I made a big mistake......

[rdy4takeoff]

Tis true but when you are first married some women tend to be a bit clingy in the beginning. It wasnt till after a few years that we had our little breaks from each other. It usually is not long

[rdy4takeoff]

Ave, this wouldn't be her, would it?:fear

Guest Viewing Thread
I think I made a big mistake......

:heh:rofl

[covenant mom]

Yes, but they still need space from time to time.

:nod Yes they do need space, but if I understand his op correctly, he works so isn't around her ALL the time & he seems irritated w/ her whining. Love is usually still blind in the stage prior to marriage. He's getting a good dose of reality & needs to decide if this is really what he wants to sign up for. :lol

[covenant mom]

The more I think about it, my hubby would prolly tell Aveticus to "run for the hills!" :lol

He will either have to suck it up & embrace life w/ an emotional creature that has some serious defects or just continue on in peace as a batchelor. If he's worried aobut HER whinning....wait till they do have kids. :heh

[Kung Pao Smurf]

I gotta admit, I'm confused by those who say that they 'want' to be together all the time. Way before my wife and I got married we knew darn well that we needed our alone time. It's not that I don't want to be around her all the time so much as it is that I think that the Lord designed us so that we'd need some time to recharge spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc., and to me that includes my wife. It allows me to clear my head, think about our relationship, think about things I may have done right or wrong, etc.

We don't even have to be apart, I suppose. Just being able to do what I want for a while (i.e., read a book, work on the PC, etc.) suffices.

I probably should add that yes, to me, work does count as 'away' time; but even so, there are times when I just wanna be by myself; and I know my wife feels the same way.

Far as I am concerned, even Jesus needed time away from everyone to pray; so if He needed it, we probably do too.

[Forgotten_Child]

If you two have different needs, then it's time to take some time apart and re-evaluate your relationship. I'm not saying don't get married, just don't get married soon and seriously consider whether or not your needs are compatible and whether or not you feel you will grow apart. If it's a "big mistake" to be in the same house with her now, then would it be a "big mistake" to get married?

[stormtrooper]

IMO alone time is very important for a marriage. My wife and I have a solid marriage and we really are each other's best friends, but even so, we enjoy our alone time. And it doesn't have to include totally being away from the other either. Even when we're both home we have our own things we like to do that doesn't include hanging out each other's armpit every waking minute.

Aveticus, I strongly recommend that you and your fiance come to some kind of an agreement about the alone time issue. If not, it will only cause problems later on. Case in point, I got a buddy who can barely manage to go to the bathroom by himself without his wife wanting to spend time with him. He is constantly resentful about her being clingy and it adds a lot of strife to their marriage. Get this stuff hammered out before you get married or it will come back to bite you.

[twelvesmaster]

Time alone is important. What would be the point of having a prayer closet if you had to be in there with somebody else?

I thank God often that He arranged it so that DH and I have completely different work schedules. We don't even have the same off days. We'd of killed each other long ago if it were not so.

Do you two have an older couple, maybe at church, that you both respect enough to get some direct input on this issue? I'm sure they counsel you with similar advice, namely that a good marriage allows for each partner to have some time away from each other.

BTW, you just might be getting some pre-wedding jitters.

[haeschen]

Time alone is very important to maintain your own person and growth in spiritual maturity. No one owns anybody - for that is bondage. Mutual understanding includes knowing that each have their rights to be alone for a time. Respect for each other and proper communication is the answer to those needs.

[Servant]

IMO alone time is very important for a marriage. My wife and I have a solid marriage and we really are each other's best friends, but even so, we enjoy our alone time. And it doesn't have to include totally being away from the other either. Even when we're both home we have our own things we like to do that doesn't include hanging out each other's armpit every waking minute.

Aveticus, I strongly recommend that you and your fiance come to some kind of an agreement about the alone time issue. If not, it will only cause problems later on. Case in point, I got a buddy who can barely manage to go to the bathroom by himself without his wife wanting to spend time with him. He is constantly resentful about her being clingy and it adds a lot of strife to their marriage. Get this stuff hammered out before you get married or it will come back to bite you.

Agreed, AGREED and agreed!

However, that being said; all of us have our own needs and expectations. Me? I would happily be a hermit forever as long as I had books to read and occasional internet access/tv. Some people are built like me with minimal need for human contact (regardless of other emotional feelings of love/companionship/desire/etc.) while others have need of near constant reinforcement of community and importance to other's well-being. IMHO this is an important and vital time to work out those differences and come to an understanding with each other. :nod You have a perfect opportunity to "understand" each other before officially taking the plunge. Take advantage of it!!! :thumb :pray

[Aveticus]

Thanks for all the responses.

I think that this is just a part of the problem, tonight we kinda fought but not really. But when she went to bed, I could see in her eyes that she was like an inch from bursting out in tears when I didn't even do anything wrong which makes me upset and hurt too.

I'm trying to tell her the big picture. She is alittle immature so I'm trying to show her that so she can mature up and grow. For example, She'll whine and yell at her mom and I'll tell her like "Hey don't yell at your mom". I somewhat feel like I'm allmost parenting her.

I do love her with all my heart, we fit very well together and everything, we met on eharmony. I can honestly say that I can't see myself without her.

That aside, I don't know how I can sit down and talk with her, It seems to me it goes in one ear and out the other. Whenever I tell her No on something, or try to let her know when she is doing something wrong or just basically to give her a nudge if she is coming off a certain way to her parents or other people.

Anouther good example is that she has around 7,000 in credit card debt from school and other things. She has a 11,000 CD saved. She keeps telling me when I ask what is wrong when she seems depressed is that she doesn't know how she is going to pay her car payment and her credit card payments. I told her that she should take out that CD she has and pay off all her debt so it doesn't keep growing. She knows that she needs to do that, but denies that she has too because she doesn't want to touch that money, so she doesn't want to face her debt reality.

It just seems to me that whenever I try to help her, or try to have some alone time, that she reads that as "He doesn't want to be with me" or "He doesn't love me" or something to that degree. And it aggervates me so much because I told her that those thoughts are completely untrue and whatnot, yet it doesn't seem like that she wants to get rid of those thoughts because it depresses her, and she might like the feeling of depression. And i told her all of this, and how feeling depressed can turn into a self pleasure of feeling sorry for yourself, because it happened to me.

Anyways I'm sorry for this turning into a rant, but thanks for reading and the replies.

Pray for me, because I am going to have a long talk with her tommorow first thing. Thanks!

[twelvesmaster]

Does your church have some sort of pre-marriage classes/counseling resources? Is your pastor trained in this sort of thing? You two need Godly guidance, based on good, solid Biblical principles, since at least one of you doesn't seem to be listening in your conversations about this issue, and others, IMHO

[Kem]

Anouther good example is that she has around 7,000 in credit card debt from school and other things. She has a 11,000 CD saved. She keeps telling me when I ask what is wrong when she seems depressed is that she doesn't know how she is going to pay her car payment and her credit card payments. I told her that she should take out that CD she has and pay off all her debt so it doesn't keep growing. She knows that she needs to do that, but denies that she has too because she doesn't want to touch that money, so she doesn't want to face her debt reality.


:fear I think at the least you need to slow down and continue to observe how she deals with the things you mentioned and others you haven't thought of yet. How one handles money is a big indicator of how they will deal with other things that require self control.

[rdy4takeoff]

I somewhat feel like I'm all most parenting her

Red alert for me!

As someone who has had to parent their spouse It is not an easy road. My DH and I go through a lot because of this. I am the responsible one in our marriage and it is a lot of stress.

[Forgotten_Child]

I agree with rdy4takeoff... you will need to be a husband and not a father. It's 50/50 between two people in a relationship and they need to be on the same page. If you feel as if you are parenting her, then your relationship is not where it needs to be for marriage.

Is she bipolar? The money thing, depression, and being clingy are usually are signs. I would at least suggest she get checked out for the depression. Is this her first real relationship? It sounds like she doesn't have a healthy perception of a relationship and is mimicking what the media shows in soap operas or something of that nature (this happens a lot more than you think, according to recent studies).

[Kitty2kat]

I agree with rdy4takeoff... you will need to be a husband and not a father. It's 50/50 between two people in a relationship and they need to be on the same page. If you feel as if you are parenting her, then your relationship is not where it needs to be for marriage.

Is she bipolar? The money thing, depression, and being clingy are usually are signs. I would at least suggest she get checked out for the depression. Is this her first real relationship? It sounds like she doesn't have a healthy perception of a relationship and is mimicking what the media shows in soap operas or something of that nature (this happens a lot more than you think, according to recent studies).

Um, no, actually it's not 50/50 in a relationship. Both parties need to realize that it's 100/100 and there may be times when one party can't give 100% due to illness or selfishness so it may, at times, be 75/125, or 50/150. They definitely need to be on the same page before they get married regarding their finances, intimacy, etc. Unfortunately, too many couples get married thinking that after the wedding everything is going to be perfect and all hunky dory, then they suddenly get a dose of reality, and everything does not go as they planned. Each person going into a marriage has their own expectations of what it will be like, and, unfortunately, they usually don't have the same expectations. That's why premarital counseling is very important, so the couple can learn what each other's expectations are and work it out.

[Indiana Janz]

I don't know anything, really, but are you sure that getting married is the right thing for the two of you to do? I've never been married, but I do know that if something bugs me about someone I am with, it doesn't go away.

[4everHis]

I gotta admit, I'm confused by those who say that they 'want' to be together all the time. Way before my wife and I got married we knew darn well that we needed our alone time. It's not that I don't want to be around her all the time so much as it is that I think that the Lord designed us so that we'd need some time to recharge spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc., and to me that includes my wife. It allows me to clear my head, think about our relationship, think about things I may have done right or wrong, etc.

We don't even have to be apart, I suppose. Just being able to do what I want for a while (i.e., read a book, work on the PC, etc.) suffices.

I probably should add that yes, to me, work does count as 'away' time; but even so, there are times when I just wanna be by myself; and I know my wife feels the same way.

Far as I am concerned, even Jesus needed time away from everyone to pray; so if He needed it, we probably do too.


I pretty much agree with what Kung said.
Those of you that say that there is something "wrong" I think don't understand what he is saying. He admits he "loves" his future wife and wants to marry her and be with her etc. The thing is that she wants him to always be with her, ie, watch movies when he doesn't want to watch a movie or needs time to read a book, or maybe watch sports or do some other guy alone time things.

Has nothing to do with not loving his future wife at all.
We ALL need time apart from our loved ones. Those that are together 24/7 with your husband or wife, that is wonderful but understand that you are the exception.
We all need time whether its an hour or just a few minutes each day to unwind and do our own thing.

[Green Darner]

I somewhat feel like I'm all most parenting her

Red alert for me!



Yep, red flags going up here.

Marriage is for grown-ups!