Your teenage son's actions - would you want to know?

[LLee]

Your 16-year-old Christian son has been dating a very pretty, 16-year-old Christian girl. Your son attends a church which encourages singles to wait until engagement before kissing and many people from this church don't agree with teen dating at all.

After several months of dating, the teen girl tells your son that because she's going to college, and that the junior year is a really hard year, that she would like to concentrate on her studies and just be friends with your son.

Your son feels dumped and makes no effort to remotely be friends. He feels it was just a break-up line. Now, you and the mother of the girl have gotten to be good friends - good enough that you will likely remain friends regardless of how things go with your children. You both encourage your kids to be friends, but it's not happening.

The girl's mother tries one more time to encourage her daughter to try to talk to the boy and tell him that she really did want to be friends. It wasn't just a break up line. The girl tells her mother that she does want to be friends with the boy, but the real reason she broke up with him is that he kept touching her in ways and places that made her uncomfortable - and every conversation had him saying some variation of "you're so hot." She was too shy to tell him that that wasn't God-pleasing and just felt wrong and sinful, so she got out of the situation by breaking up.

Now, the girl's mother knows this and is afraid to tell you. She really wants to be friends with you. She doesn't know how you're going to react. However, she's concerned for your son - not so much the behavior itself, since her daughter got out of the situation, but what the behavior might mean about his spiritual state. Should she tell you? Would you want to know????? She she leave it in God's hands?


You can probably tell that I'm the girl's mother. I like the boy's mother very much. She's becoming a good friend. I don't know what to do, though. I'm praying that God will make it very obvious to me whether I should tell her this or not. Could you please pray that He will?

[scottruff]

From the father's perspective I would want to know so I could straighten the lad up.

edit to add: You may recall that I wrote about an incident between my son and his girl friend a few years ago. Maria did inform the girl's mother in a non hostile manner. Just the facts. That went over surprisingly well.

[sracer]

My initial reactions are:
1. Too much social/emotional tinkering by the moms.
2. Where are the dads?

The boy should've been sent to 1 Corinthians 13. Christian love thinks the best intentions of someone. He should've been questioned as to why he thinks that the girl was not being truthful.
When our actions are held up to the light of Scripture, our sins are revealed.

The girl wasn't being truthful. That is a warning sign too. If she isn't mature enough to be truthful with the boy then she isn't mature enough to be "dating". And at this point, who knows if the "real reason" for the breakup is indeed the "real reason"?

As for what to do with this information...
My advice would be for the girl's parents to discuss the situation with the girl. Point out the lessons to be learned. Point out the good decisions and the bad ones. Using Scripture as the guide.

The girl's mom should talk to the boy's mom and suggest that there may be something more behind the break up that only the two kids know and that perhaps the boy's parents should talk with him about what is going on in his life, while the girl's parents do the same with the girl.

[LLee]

Well, what she told him about her studies was absolutely true. She is in line for several scholarships, including a full ride, and she wants to concentrate on that. She says she just wants to do group dating in high school - no more "going together." She is very shy, and, actually, I'm impressed with her spiritual maturity. She told me that the boy had said "I love you" many times, but that she could tell it wasn't true by the way he treated her. If it was really love, it would be from God and wouldn't include things that weren't God-pleasing. That's a pretty good observation for a 16-year-old, I think. She is very, very shy and just was never brave enough to say "don't do that."

[Caleb]

I would suggest that you and your daughter speak to the boy's mom. From what you say, your daughter does sound like a mature young woman (something that is lacking in a lot of teens). If you & the boy's mom are friends, it would probably hurt your friendship if you don't tell her. The boy, it sounds like, needs some discipline from his parents. It also sounds like he may need a Christian adult male in his life, if not his father, than perhaps a youth group leader. Perhaps he doesn't realize what he's doing is making your daughter uncomfortable, but still, it's no excuse for such behavior.

[sracer]

She is very, very shy and just was never brave enough to say "don't do that."
As a father I find that very alarming and disturbing. :freaked

She was allowed to be put in a position where she couldn't get out of and yet the focus is on what to do about the boy. :doh

I don't mean to come off harsh here, and I can only go on what you have posted. But if she was never brave enough to say, "don't do that" then that should be the focus of your concern. Not about the spiritual state of the boy.

Again, where are the dads in this situation? They need to take the lead in this.

In any event, I offered a different perspective on the situation, maybe there is some insight that is useful, maybe not. I hope that all involved seek the Lord's guidance and make decisions that ultimately bring glory to Him.

[Servant]

My initial reactions are:
1. Too much social/emotional tinkering by the moms.
2. Where are the dads?

The boy should've been sent to 1 Corinthians 13. Christian love thinks the best intentions of someone. He should've been questioned as to why he thinks that the girl was not being truthful.
When our actions are held up to the light of Scripture, our sins are revealed.

The girl wasn't being truthful. That is a warning sign too. If she isn't mature enough to be truthful with the boy then she isn't mature enough to be "dating". And at this point, who knows if the "real reason" for the breakup is indeed the "real reason"?

As for what to do with this information...
My advice would be for the girl's parents to discuss the situation with the girl. Point out the lessons to be learned. Point out the good decisions and the bad ones. Using Scripture as the guide.

The girl's mom should talk to the boy's mom and suggest that there may be something more behind the break up that only the two kids know and that perhaps the boy's parents should talk with him about what is going on in his life, while the girl's parents do the same with the girl.

Very wise counsel sracer. I agree completely.

[HiLaReE320]

I don't mean to come off harsh here, and I can only go on what you have posted. But if she was never brave enough to say, "don't do that" then that should be the focus of your concern. Not about the spiritual state of the boy.


I agree with this. LLee should be focused on this, IMO. Tell the boys mom about what happened, ok, but to be too shy to tell someone what their doing is making you feel uncomfortable? Even a simple "don't do that"? I don't care HOW shy someone is (I was that girl before myself), if a boy is touching her in ways she doesn't like, you tell him to get his hands off of her. Trust me, I've been through that many times before when I was 16 and I was "too shy" to say no. Got me on a long road with sexual immorality because even though I didn't want to do it, if you don't have the guts to speak up, it WILL feel good and you WILL fall for it, whether it is with the current boy or the next one.

[Gracie]

I agree with the others. And, yes, as a mother of two teen boys, I would want to know. It's something I would discuss with my dh and ask him to approach my son with.

I would speak to my friend without involving the kids.

[RP73]

I would leave it alone since he is not bothering her since the break up but the girl have to let the boy know that his behavior was inappropriate. But believe it or not, that is a common behavior of boys when they are alone with a girl.

the girl need to learn to stand up for herself more, though. Sounds like she worry about how other people think so that's probably why she didn't tell the boy the truth why she broke up with him. Worrying what other people think is dangerous in our christian walk.

[steph1962]

My initial reactions are:
1. Too much social/emotional tinkering by the moms.
2. Where are the dads?

The boy should've been sent to 1 Corinthians 13. Christian love thinks the best intentions of someone. He should've been questioned as to why he thinks that the girl was not being truthful.
When our actions are held up to the light of Scripture, our sins are revealed.

The girl wasn't being truthful. That is a warning sign too. If she isn't mature enough to be truthful with the boy then she isn't mature enough to be "dating". And at this point, who knows if the "real reason" for the breakup is indeed the "real reason"?

As for what to do with this information...
My advice would be for the girl's parents to discuss the situation with the girl. Point out the lessons to be learned. Point out the good decisions and the bad ones. Using Scripture as the guide.

The girl's mom should talk to the boy's mom and suggest that there may be something more behind the break up that only the two kids know and that perhaps the boy's parents should talk with him about what is going on in his life, while the girl's parents do the same with the girl.


As the parent of two sons and one daughter - I agree with the above post.

Stephanie C.

[Kitty2kat]

I have to agree with Sracer on this one.

If your daughter isn't able, due to shyness or whatever, to say no, she has no business dating. It seems she has figured that out.