How do you love the sinner but hate the sin?

[AChristianMan]

My cousin ("Jane") is 18 and has become increasingly defiant of her mom (single parent house) over the last few years. She comes from a Christian home albeit one that is very worldly in appearance. Basically... "Do as I say not as I do" type. Once she turned 18 she started (probably continued) drinking and having inappropriate intimate relations with various boyfriends.

Long story short... she is now pregnant from the current boyfriend (basically a deadbeat).

As Christians strong in our faith, my wife and I have tried to counsel her over the years hoping to alter the course we could see her headed down. Anyway... now what? How do you go about loving the sinner and hating the sin without sending the wrong message of condoning the choices she has made? For instance... how do you celebrate the joy of life given by God (via a baby shower or whatever) yet not project a seeming of acceptance of her life choices?

Thanks in advance for everyone's input. God bless each of you.

[Transformed]

This certainly sounds familiar. Our 16-year-old granddaughter determined last year that she was going to have a baby, and got pregnant on purpose. She then got married last January, baby born in March. For both her wedding and at baby's birth, we specifically gave her cards that most definitely did NOT say congratulations on these events. The wedding was a Christian card about God's love and sovereignty and for the new married couple to know that He has His eye on them (not in a threatening way), and to commit their way to Him. When the baby was born, again it was a Christian card, more for the mother and what her outlook should be toward Christian motherhood. She was raised in a Christian church, although the home life was lacking. I also typed up a short message from a John Piper book about "why God created families." The idea here was not to give them congrats, but rather to think about what to do with the rest of their life. Since they don't really keep in contact with us, we don't really know what their opinion of these offerings were, but our prayer is that the messages will sink in and have an effect. We just daily pray for God's growth for them in maturity.

[trixie]

No one knows they need a savior like someone confronted daily with the consequences of sin. Your niece knows she's done wrong. We're ALL sinners...to God there is no difference between her sin and yours. And He forgives equally. How about you guide her back into her forgiving Father's arms, and give her a chance to experience that forgiveness? Then you will be able to not only celebrate the baby's new life, but her reborn life too.

[AChristianMan]

No one knows they need a savior like someone confronted daily with the consequences of sin. Your niece knows she's done wrong. We're ALL sinners...to God there is no difference between her sin and yours. And He forgives equally. How about you guide her back into her forgiving Father's arms, and give her a chance to experience that forgiveness? Then you will be able to not only celebrate the baby's new life, but her reborn life too.

I appreciate the responses so far. Thanks. This one though assumes that we haven't tried guding her into our Father's arms and/or that we aren't continuing to do so every time we see her. Believe me we are. It has gotten back to us that "Everything they say has something to do with Jesus. I'm really getting tired of their religious c***. :rolleyes "

So... we have resigned ourselves to the fact that she is not at the lowest point in her life and is not currently seeking a savior/deliverer. That doesn't mean we should give up on her or stop guiding her. And we haven't. That brings us back to our dillemma (especially considering it's not the baby's fault)... how do you prepare for the new life (i.e. baby shower or whatnot) without it coming off as a congratulations or support of the poor decisions that got her in this spot?

I understand that our God is love. But I also understand that he is righteous and just as well. How do we humans, be like Christ and show both love and righteousness without condemnation so as not to portray the "all is one/new age/every path goes to heaven" misconception?

[trixie]

GOD is righteous and just. WE are not. In that, you and I are no different from your niece, except that we have accepted our need for a savior. WE cannot "show" righteousness, we can only show our need for a savior by acknowledging our sinful nature. Your niece needs love, not condemnation. Showing her love by letting her know you love her DESPITE any sin is exactly what God does with us.

She knows she's done wrong. She knows you don't approve. LOVE HER ANYWAY. Don't shove Jesus down her throat, she will only choke on that right now. She's having a baby. Praise God for that new life. Let her know you are there for her. Let her know that you understand how difficult it is. Let her know that when she is ready to hear, you'll be right there ready to tell her about getting right with God. Let her know that you'll never stop loving her, even if for a time she stops wanting that love. She doesn't want to be preached at. She doesn't NEED to be preached at. She needs to be accepted and loved, not condemned.

There's a vast difference between preaching (on one end of the spectrum), enabling (on the other end) and loving.

1 Cor 13 tells us that love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Look at it in that light, and it should be much easier to see HOW to love your niece.

Love never fails.

[nancyjean]

How do you love the sinner. Look into their eyes and see the emptiness, confusion and guilt. Love them despite what they do. Pray for them like there is no tomorrow, for there may not be for them. Learn to listen, pray incessantly and wait for the Holy Spirit to do His job on her. Make yourself so loving and inviting that they want to hang around you, not run away from you.

The church has failed in reaching others because we are "stuck" on their sin and not on their need for forgiveness. The Lord will open doors of wisdom when the time is right. It's funny that recently my gay brother talked to me about the fact that he no longer desires any relationship with any man. He feels defiled by them. I have not preached at all for my brother who has been living in the gay lifestyle for over 25 years. I have heard through the family grape vine that my brother wanted to confront me many times about how God made him gay and about how God accepts the gay lifestyle. This never happened cause I prayed that the Holy Spirit will open my brothers eyes to the truth. I see baby steps now, even though I have never actively pursued my brothers sin. You see, it is easy to love the sinner and hate the sin. I am soo very excited about some things my brother said to me on the phone recently. I believe that the patience is starting to bear fruit. Please pray for him, I am praying that I can somehow send him information on Exodus and or any other ex-homosexual christian group. Oh one other thing he said was that he feels the the Lord is speaking to him to remain celebet. He has been feeling the need to read the Bible too.

[His Child]

[QUOTE=AChristianMan] For instance... how do you celebrate the joy of life given by God (via a baby shower or whatever) yet not project a seeming of acceptance of her life choices?

Hi. I personaly wouldn't participate in or throw a baby shower for someone having a baby out of wedlock and living out of God's will,like this.
I would though,make sure that she has the basics that the baby will need.
Maybe everyone in the family could just get together and make a list of the basic things that the baby would need and everyone could pitch in for these things. Sometime before the baby is born,give her these things,and wish her well and most importantly,continue to be a friend and continue to guide her towards a relationship with Jesus. You guys will probably be the first people she comes to when she decides to start looking into this,so don't give up!
It sounds like you've been planting a lot of seeds! :nod

[bebebozqueen]

nicely put nancyjean!

[HeIsEnough]

How do you go about loving the sinner and hating the sin...


1 Cor 13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.

[AChristianMan]

His Child, Thanks. That makes sense. I can see how we should help out and provide for the needs of the baby without necessarily celebrating per se. That way we show we care but do not condone the circumstances. I'll have to give this some thought.

Trixie & HeIsEnough, we get the love thing. That's part of why we are conflicted. The problem is that the christian world looks just like the rest of the world. Yet the Bible says we should be different. I don't think she is a Christian so I don't expect her to be different. Yes, we should love her (and we do.. a lot) but we shouldn't act as if we condone her sinning either. Jesus told the prostitue to go and sin no more (after forgiving her). So somewhere there has to be a balance. God is love but not ONLY love. Rewarding sinful behavior just seems wrong to us.

Thanks for all the responses. It definitely has given us stuff to think about.

[HeIsEnough]

Well, ok then. Once she knows that those are not the correct kinds of choices to make, then be patient with her. Be kind to her. Do not act as if it makes you better than her for perhaps not failing in that regard. Don't shame her unless really warrented. Continue to teach her the right way to move forward, now that she has a baby, which still is a blessed thing, even if concieved in less than a noble way. Make it clear that you desire her to do and be the best that she can be. Most importantly, don't give up on her, always remember her in your prayers. Continue to have hope for her, that the Lord will show Himself strong to her, through you, and then to her. I can only really think in these terms, because I don't really know the situation entirely. I hope that helps in some small way. Shalom.

[AChristianMan]

Well, ok then. Once she knows that those are not the correct kinds of choices to make, then be patient with her. Be kind to her. Do not act as if it makes you better than her for perhaps not failing in that regard. Don't shame her unless really warrented. Continue to teach her the right way to move forward, now that she has a baby, which still is a blessed thing, even if concieved in less than a noble way. Make it clear that you desire her to do and be the best that she can be. Most importantly, don't give up on her, always remember her in your prayers. Continue to have hope for her, that the Lord will show Himself strong to her, through you, and then to her. I can only really think in these terms, because I don't really know the situation entirely. I hope that helps in some small way. Shalom.

It does and I appreciate the reminder. Thanks. That's why we feel so conflicted at this point on what more to say or act. We've continued to show Christ's love, tried to encourage, etc. over the past years in which she has made sinful decisions that just keep getting worse. The boyfriend has no job, is a newly converted muslim that comes from a Jehovah Witness home and has an online porn addiction. Neither of them respect my Aunt's wishes that they stay out of her house during the day while she is at work (items have come up missing). Her mother is very exasperated. Our family is (obviously) disappointed. Now we are at the point where she is being defiant and making decisions that are "in your face" type. We continue to pray daily and know that it's not us that will change her. It will be the Holy Spirit. But somewhere along the line (while still showing Christ's love), you have to say enough is enough. My question is how do you do that?

[HeIsEnough]

It does and I appreciate the reminder. Thanks. That's why we feel so conflicted at this point on what more to say or act. We've continued to show Christ's love, tried to encourage, etc. over the past years in which she has made sinful decisions that just keep getting worse. The boyfriend has no job, is a newly converted muslim that comes from a Jehovah Witness home and has an online porn addiction. Neither of them respect my Aunt's wishes that they stay out of her house during the day while she is at work (items have come up missing). Her mother is very exasperated. Our family is (obviously) disappointed. Now we are at the point where she is being defiant and making decisions that are "in your face" type. We continue to pray daily and know that it's not us that will change her. It will be the Holy Spirit. But somewhere along the line (while still showing Christ's love), you have to say enough is enough. My question is how do you do that?

Thats a really difficult situation, brother. Paul does say to live at peace with all men, if at all possible. Sometimes, it may not be. Seems her choices and actions are directed back at her family somehow. And the boyfriend...quite a picture there. It would take me much to not be in his face a little, just on a man to man level. I wish I knew what more to say, but it seems clear to me that you have done everything in a very wise manner so far, and I commend your patience. You are an excellant cousin to contend and intercede for her. I will pray for the Lord to confirm in your heart, what He would have you do. Peace brother.

[AChristianMan]

So we found out (once again in our lives) what praying and asking other Christians for their opinions get us. God is good! Today was missions Sunday and our pastor talked about reaching the world for Christ. Even to this day after being a Christian most of my life... it amazes me how God can use any message (however seemingly unrelated) to speak directly to us.

Along with the posts to this thread, our pastor's message today, praying and talking between the two of us... we have come to the conclusion that we can't control how the message is received just that it is up to us to tell it. So... we'll plod on and allow the Holy Spirit to work in us (and hopefully through us as well). We will go to a baby shower and whatever else to show Christ's love and support our niece. But if she ever misunderstands our support for her as condoning her sin choices... we will lovingly explain that what she has done or is continuing to do (if that's the case) is still wrong but as Christ's ambassador... we're still here for her. After all, God doesn't abandon us when we sin but he does make it clear that our sinful choices are unacceptable. :redface :nod

Ah well... Thanks for letting me vent, and thanks so much for the reminders and advice. May God bless all of you and your families. And although we still have millions of people that need a Savior... I do look forward to Christ's return and I hope he calls me his good and faithful servant.