BHiles
February 27th, 2006, 11:14 AM
An embarassing confession of my sinful past.:redface
I was abusive in the modern sense of the word.
Now on RR you have read some of the comments I have written concerning the man's role and how He should love his wife. I have had feedback that was so appreciative of what I had written and yet those were comments coming from someone who had to learn those things through the trials of life. I have had so many nice things said to me about what I believe and write. I have been showered with all kinds of undeserved accolades all the while knowing that as I write these were not platitudes of things I read in a book but things I learned through life's very hard lessons - Through disasterous mistakes that I made. Through, by most accounts should have ended any chance to ever have a succesful marriage or any marriage at all. I write as if I were a new christian that became one after having crucified many being the very chiefest of sinners. Not that I equate myself with Paul but I understand the feelings of inadequcy of myself in relaying these truths.
I was coming fom a very controlled family that as I was ending my teenage years completely fell apart. I desperately tried to hang on to some sort of sanity with everything I could and left home and got married in order to establish some sense of a controlled normalcy.
I controlled all the money. All her time. All her travel. Everything about her. I didn't let her drive. I didn't let her have friends. I kept her her from her famly.
I was immature.
It wasn't until about 12 years ago I discovered how wrong I was.
About 14 years ago my wife was depressed. We were out of God's Will. we were out of the place of God's Will. I put in long hours and she was at home taking care of the children 24/7 w ith little involvement from me. I felt the stress. I was very hard on her. Emotionally abusive and moody. I would throw things hit walls, break things etc. She was despondent that nothing was ever going to change. She, trying to figure out what to do called a woman's shelter. They said get out immediately. Take everything you can get your hands on. Clear out the bank accounts (regardless of checks bouncing) take it all. Take the money out of his wallet. Take the children. Take the cars. They wanted to secure her away and I would basically have no idea what happened to her. I would not know where she was at or where the children were.
Now in the mindset I was in that type of Mutually Assured Destruction most likely would have ended our marriage. It would have sunk me in to a further tightning of my grip on everything because I was loosing everything.
Men don't come out of the box with how to treat their wives. It is a learned and acquired facet that for the most part is completly missing. It takes time to mature and grow in the Lord. I don't care how long you have been a believer our baser instincts need to be crucified and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives perfects us into becoming Christ Like. To a man, woman is naturally a frustration to deal with just in the natural course of things. I am sure the ladies could say the same about us. Men come with all the tools to do what they need to for God but IMHO it takes a wife to take those pieces and help them through the guidance of the Holy Spirit the complete man they need to be.
Finally about 12 years ago the lights began to come on for me. Now we have been married for 23 years. So she lived this way pretty much all of those 11 years. We went for counselling from a pastor at our church. He asked me direct questions and I was completely honest and agreed with everything my wife said. Which infuriated her. (There was an Everybody Loves Raymond episode in which He did this with the same result thought the episode had not aired yet When it did I laughed and laughed) But I truly did agree with everything she said. I struggled for about 6 months with a decision to end my pursuit of a particular ministry and to do the things that needed to be done in my marriage. It was not overnight. It took quite a whie for me to even understand that which needed to be done. I was completely clueless. But by listening to the advice of my pastor and getting around other men who were successful I learned a lot of key ingredients to a more fruitful life. The realization that my failure in the area of my family was actually destroying 80% of what could be accomplished though me because I could only see life as me. This is the key. Mostly it has to do with selfishness. Selfishness is the desroyer and it is a powerful weapon in satan's hands. Once he has esablished it in one's life he can just walk away as the individual will continue down that destructive path all on their own opening all kinds of doors to sin with the iniquity of self.
I finally discovered a sense of who she was in Christ and Who I was to be in Christ.
I realized a few things.
1. God was not going to bless me with any ministry until I tended to the one He already gave me.
2. I may have emotionally loved my wife but their was no communicating of love to her and love uncommunicated is no love at all
3. I would fail my children miserably by not loving their mother. They needed to have their father love their mother as an example for them and they needed a father to represent Jesus in the Home.
4. It was my job to help my wife be all that she could be in Jesus Christ first.
The results thus far:
1. My wife after much fear (that I probably caused) did learn to drive and I bought her a new minivan which she cares for much better than I ever would have.
2. She recorded to CDs that have been used for missionaries to raise money for supporting their work and that of their mission boards.\
3. We began to esablish ties with her family and began doing things for them which helped her with much healing in her own life of relationships and past hurts.
4. She and I wrote a book that is now in its third printing dealing with her childhood sexual abuse. The book was released last october and an expaded edition is being finished now that our publisher is wanting to shop to Zondervan and/or Nelson. The Book has been used at a large women's conference and we have been flooded with people telling her how much the book meant to them and how much it helped them deal with issues in their own lives.
5. Our oldest son is graduating from seminary this May. He is getting married and plans to get his masters before beginning his desire to be a Senior Pastor. He currently is a Sudnay School Teacher. Captain of a sunday School Bus Route and works in our church's blind department.
6. Our middle child is 17. He plans on attending seminary and begin his work to become a missionary.
7. Our youngest son who is just coming off of the years of wanting to be GI Joe and a Policman to begin talking of wanting to be someone who goes out and plants churches (in wicked cities-his words) of course at ten we don't know what his future holds but we are excited his mind is thinking in that manner.
We never did anything to prompt our children to go into ministry. We always wanted them to live for God but living for God can be just as well many times better done by layman. But whenever they brought up the subject we were always supportive.
8. I love my wife. Not just emotionally. I love her on a plain I never knew existed.
9. We are heavily involved in ministry that is so very exciting. Beyond my wildest dreams.
10. We have been dreaming of new ways in which God can use us. Not just me saying we are going to do this but as partners in this life for the cuase of Christ and the journey is so much more fun when you have a partner on the road with you.
The wisdom that my wife showed in the manner in which she dealt with my sin had a overwhelming and powerful effect on me and my children. It was she that held the course and dealt with things in a loving correction that made all the difference in our marriage and our children's futures. Many people as a result of her faithfulness have been helped through her ministry and now as a result of the ministries that my oldest is working in.
All of that would have come crashing down had she has just given up on me.
I am truly an undeserving blessed man.
Don't hate me because I am a sinner. :redface
I was abusive in the modern sense of the word.
Now on RR you have read some of the comments I have written concerning the man's role and how He should love his wife. I have had feedback that was so appreciative of what I had written and yet those were comments coming from someone who had to learn those things through the trials of life. I have had so many nice things said to me about what I believe and write. I have been showered with all kinds of undeserved accolades all the while knowing that as I write these were not platitudes of things I read in a book but things I learned through life's very hard lessons - Through disasterous mistakes that I made. Through, by most accounts should have ended any chance to ever have a succesful marriage or any marriage at all. I write as if I were a new christian that became one after having crucified many being the very chiefest of sinners. Not that I equate myself with Paul but I understand the feelings of inadequcy of myself in relaying these truths.
I was coming fom a very controlled family that as I was ending my teenage years completely fell apart. I desperately tried to hang on to some sort of sanity with everything I could and left home and got married in order to establish some sense of a controlled normalcy.
I controlled all the money. All her time. All her travel. Everything about her. I didn't let her drive. I didn't let her have friends. I kept her her from her famly.
I was immature.
It wasn't until about 12 years ago I discovered how wrong I was.
About 14 years ago my wife was depressed. We were out of God's Will. we were out of the place of God's Will. I put in long hours and she was at home taking care of the children 24/7 w ith little involvement from me. I felt the stress. I was very hard on her. Emotionally abusive and moody. I would throw things hit walls, break things etc. She was despondent that nothing was ever going to change. She, trying to figure out what to do called a woman's shelter. They said get out immediately. Take everything you can get your hands on. Clear out the bank accounts (regardless of checks bouncing) take it all. Take the money out of his wallet. Take the children. Take the cars. They wanted to secure her away and I would basically have no idea what happened to her. I would not know where she was at or where the children were.
Now in the mindset I was in that type of Mutually Assured Destruction most likely would have ended our marriage. It would have sunk me in to a further tightning of my grip on everything because I was loosing everything.
Men don't come out of the box with how to treat their wives. It is a learned and acquired facet that for the most part is completly missing. It takes time to mature and grow in the Lord. I don't care how long you have been a believer our baser instincts need to be crucified and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives perfects us into becoming Christ Like. To a man, woman is naturally a frustration to deal with just in the natural course of things. I am sure the ladies could say the same about us. Men come with all the tools to do what they need to for God but IMHO it takes a wife to take those pieces and help them through the guidance of the Holy Spirit the complete man they need to be.
Finally about 12 years ago the lights began to come on for me. Now we have been married for 23 years. So she lived this way pretty much all of those 11 years. We went for counselling from a pastor at our church. He asked me direct questions and I was completely honest and agreed with everything my wife said. Which infuriated her. (There was an Everybody Loves Raymond episode in which He did this with the same result thought the episode had not aired yet When it did I laughed and laughed) But I truly did agree with everything she said. I struggled for about 6 months with a decision to end my pursuit of a particular ministry and to do the things that needed to be done in my marriage. It was not overnight. It took quite a whie for me to even understand that which needed to be done. I was completely clueless. But by listening to the advice of my pastor and getting around other men who were successful I learned a lot of key ingredients to a more fruitful life. The realization that my failure in the area of my family was actually destroying 80% of what could be accomplished though me because I could only see life as me. This is the key. Mostly it has to do with selfishness. Selfishness is the desroyer and it is a powerful weapon in satan's hands. Once he has esablished it in one's life he can just walk away as the individual will continue down that destructive path all on their own opening all kinds of doors to sin with the iniquity of self.
I finally discovered a sense of who she was in Christ and Who I was to be in Christ.
I realized a few things.
1. God was not going to bless me with any ministry until I tended to the one He already gave me.
2. I may have emotionally loved my wife but their was no communicating of love to her and love uncommunicated is no love at all
3. I would fail my children miserably by not loving their mother. They needed to have their father love their mother as an example for them and they needed a father to represent Jesus in the Home.
4. It was my job to help my wife be all that she could be in Jesus Christ first.
The results thus far:
1. My wife after much fear (that I probably caused) did learn to drive and I bought her a new minivan which she cares for much better than I ever would have.
2. She recorded to CDs that have been used for missionaries to raise money for supporting their work and that of their mission boards.\
3. We began to esablish ties with her family and began doing things for them which helped her with much healing in her own life of relationships and past hurts.
4. She and I wrote a book that is now in its third printing dealing with her childhood sexual abuse. The book was released last october and an expaded edition is being finished now that our publisher is wanting to shop to Zondervan and/or Nelson. The Book has been used at a large women's conference and we have been flooded with people telling her how much the book meant to them and how much it helped them deal with issues in their own lives.
5. Our oldest son is graduating from seminary this May. He is getting married and plans to get his masters before beginning his desire to be a Senior Pastor. He currently is a Sudnay School Teacher. Captain of a sunday School Bus Route and works in our church's blind department.
6. Our middle child is 17. He plans on attending seminary and begin his work to become a missionary.
7. Our youngest son who is just coming off of the years of wanting to be GI Joe and a Policman to begin talking of wanting to be someone who goes out and plants churches (in wicked cities-his words) of course at ten we don't know what his future holds but we are excited his mind is thinking in that manner.
We never did anything to prompt our children to go into ministry. We always wanted them to live for God but living for God can be just as well many times better done by layman. But whenever they brought up the subject we were always supportive.
8. I love my wife. Not just emotionally. I love her on a plain I never knew existed.
9. We are heavily involved in ministry that is so very exciting. Beyond my wildest dreams.
10. We have been dreaming of new ways in which God can use us. Not just me saying we are going to do this but as partners in this life for the cuase of Christ and the journey is so much more fun when you have a partner on the road with you.
The wisdom that my wife showed in the manner in which she dealt with my sin had a overwhelming and powerful effect on me and my children. It was she that held the course and dealt with things in a loving correction that made all the difference in our marriage and our children's futures. Many people as a result of her faithfulness have been helped through her ministry and now as a result of the ministries that my oldest is working in.
All of that would have come crashing down had she has just given up on me.
I am truly an undeserving blessed man.
Don't hate me because I am a sinner. :redface