Answers to questions

[Lonewolf_777]

This is going to be long but I need to get some Christian advice and prayers.
A few years ago I had the chance to begin a relationship with the women that I felt in my heart was the women God had made for me. We will call her A.
Instead of pursuing that relationship with (A) I returned to one that was not very Christian, relationship (B). I eventually married (B) and have 2 children in that relationship. However, I have never been able to get (A) out of my head and my relationship with (B) is not very good. In fact it is a mess and is filled with conflict.
I do not know that I love my wife now. If it ever really was love and not just a physical attraction. I love my kids and I can say that they are the only reason that I have not filed for divorce.
I do not know why God would have allowed me to make this mistake.
I do not know what I should do, as a God fearing Christian I know divorce is wrong.
But I am in a place where the loveless life is starting to wear me down. And I worry that I will find someone that will offer me love and I will give in to temptation. Truth be told I believe that this may be happening and is the reason I am writing this.
Advice and prayers welcome.

[andy]

My brother

You already know the answer to your question. The answer is to ask God to give you a renewed love for your wife and for your marriage to be healed. You also need to ask for forgiveness and for the courage and strength to remain faithful to your wife.

The reason I say to ask for forgiveness is for the thoughts for "A". Your thoughts should be on and for your wife. I am not condemning you at all, marriage even under the best circumstances is very difficult. Difficult because of the clash between two wills and ways of doing things.

Your marriage can be healed. Please carefully pray about this situation. I am praying for you.

[ManhattanGuy]

Marriage is a horrible situation to ever be in. However, you signed on the dotted line. Therefore, you have a duty to be faithful! There is no moral way out of this for you. You need to be not only a husband, but a good father and example to your children! If you foul up, you will scar them forever! Don't be a wuss, you chose to get married for whatever crazy reason, now you need to buck up and be a man about your vows. Make your word matter!

[Proudmommy]

I do not know why God would have allowed me to make this mistake.
God allowed you to make that mistake because it is, after all, your life. You have the free will to sin or not sin, follow His will or not follow His will, etc.



This is going to be long but I need to get some Christian advice and prayers.
A few years ago I had the chance to begin a relationship with the women that I felt in my heart was the women God had made for me. We will call her A.
Instead of pursuing that relationship with (A) I returned to one that was not very Christian, relationship (B). I eventually married (B) and have 2 children in that relationship. However, I have never been able to get (A) out of my head and my relationship with (B) is not very good. In fact it is a mess and is filled with conflict.

I agree that you need to ask forgiveness for thinking about (A). You married (B) and whether or not you think you made a mistake, she deserves all your love and attention, not just what is left over.

I do not know that I love my wife now. If it ever really was love and not just a physical attraction.
You can love her. It will take some work, hard work, not just a passing, I'm trying to love her but it isn't working. I would recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. God will give you the ability to love her like nobody's business, if you will follow His will in this regard. (Mat 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." ) Love will come, do not worry about that. If you read the The Five Love Languages, and follow his advice (He is a Christian.), I am willing to bet that if her feelings for you are questionable they won't be for long. (I saw him at an EBC conference when I lived in Europe, and he told of man and woman that had been married for years, but only lived in the same house as roommates that could barely tolerate each other. They were very close to signing the divorce papers, and decided to give his book a try. They told him that they were like two teenagers in love again, with no desire to return to how they were living.)

I love my kids and I can say that they are the only reason that I have not filed for divorce.I do not know what I should do, as a God fearing Christian I know divorce is wrong.
But I am in a place where the loveless life is starting to wear me down. And I worry that I will find someone that will offer me love and I will give in to temptation. Truth be told I believe that this may be happening and is the reason I am writing this.
Advice and prayers welcome.

Second to listening to God's will and not giving up on your marriage, is your kids, you need to show them that you don't give up on a relationship because you don't feel like working at it anymore. You need to be a good role model for them and show them that when the going gets tough, the tough and the weak, should both turn to God for help. He will help you, if you search for His will.:hug

[mama_bear]

I would stay away/avoid contact with this other woman that you fear you may be falling in love with. It is not a good thing to do.

If you are not happy then it's probably a sure bet that your wife is not happy either. Why don't the both of you have a good long talk and ask yourselves what can you do to better the current situation? Maybe professional counseling? There must be something that the two of you can think of.

Praying for your family.

[twelvesmaster]

If your goal is to always fulfill your own desires and fantasies, then you will always be disappointed no matter whom you're married to. The human capacity to be dissatisfied and always yearning for something better is bottomless. Look at Eve, who lived in a perfect environment and yet allowed an outside influence to lie to her and tell there was something she was missing--something that would bring her greater happiness.

Don't listen to that voice--it's lying to you. There's nothing better than what God has given you. If your wife's not a Christian, start praying for her salvation. Above all, obey God (who hates divorce). Your wife's head is you, and Jesus Christ, your head, has commanded that you love her as He loves the Church.

I hope your family can come through this time of doubt as overcomers.

[let's go]

ok Lonewolf, this is the deal. you think you made a mistake marrying your wife. so that initial decision may or may not have been in God's perfect will for your life. ( i don't know and can't decide that one for you.) but you did. now you are thinking about something you KNOW is outside of God's will. and you KNOW it is wrong. run away quickly. we are to flee from evil, which is anything contrary to the revealed Word of God. concentrate on the relationship you have, pray for restoration and a renewed love for your wife. think back on the things that attracted you to her in the first place. talk to her about ways you both can make the marriage better. remember satan never lives up to what he promises us. we just get in more of a mess when we listen to him. there is a way that seems right unto man but its end therein leads to destruction. (sorry can't remember the scripture reference and it may not be an exact quote.) bottom line is NO, NO, NO. hang with your wife and pray for restoration.

TMG

[LaMontre]

This is going to be long but I need to get some Christian advice and prayers.

My advice is to share these feelings with your wife in as loving and honest a way as is possible between you. Get counciling from a Pastor or from someone who holds christian values and make a go of it.

I feel your pain here brother, and will be praying for you and yours.

[mama_bear]

Marriage is a horrible situation to ever be in.

I disagree, and so does the Lord's Word.

[spiritled]

People make mistakes.
People make bad decisions.
God is merciful ....

[godservant]

Hi Lonewolf :wave Mind you this is just my opinion but, I can almost guarantee if you leave your wife and go to this other woman you would eventaully be unhappy in that relationship as well. This is not what God wants for your life. I thought i loved another man and divorced my husband of 8 yrs for him (our marriage was horrible too) and i found out that i was just as miserable if not more...I didn't realize how much i actually loved my then ex-husband until about 6 mths later...I ruined my marriage and was not happy being with the "other man". Thank the good Lord that we have worked it out and are now happier and more in love than we have ever been! Please try to work through your problems. Go to counseling like another poster said. God will not bless this. I found that out the hard way. I will pray for you and your family and hopefully with God's help you can overcome this. God Bless.

[Mountain Girl]

[QUOTE=LaMontre]My advice is to share these feelings with your wife in as loving and honest a way as is possible between you. Get counciling from a Pastor or from someone who holds christian values and make a go of it.


I think this is very good advice.

I'd like to add that I work with children, and today when I was driving home, I was thinking about a student that I have that comes from a home without his real dad. He's resentful toward mom's new boyfriend, and there are just soooo many children in this situation. I would like to see you do everything possible to make your marriage work and provide stability for your children.

I'll be praying for your situation.

Please realize that your children are going to be greatly affected by your decision.

[Mountain Girl]

Also, I don't want to sound insensitive to your needs. That's why I agree with LaMontre's advice........it's possible that if you and your wife could talk openly and honestly, you might be able to recapture what you once felt.

Maybe she feels unloved by you?

[Kathe]

A loving relationship is about giving not getting. We cannot expect others to "make" us happy. Our happiness only comes from being a servant to God. Being in relationship to Him. Your relationship with your wife is an extension of that relationship with God. Get on your knees and ask God to heal your relationship. Get on your knees with your wife and both of you ask together. Believe me, it will do amazing things to your relationship. Start doing things, fun things, together. Even just going for a long walk (good for the heart in more ways than one) will start re-building the relationship. You build a house one brick at a time and you do relationship the same way. And no relationship is without its fair share of obstacles. Overcoming obstacles together is the way relationships grow strong. Use this obstacle to build an even better love relationship with your wife. You will be eternally grateful that you did. Prayers for you and your wife and your family.

[Elizabeth_S]

My brother

You already know the answer to your question. The answer is to ask God to give you a renewed love for your wife and for your marriage to be healed. You also need to ask for forgiveness and for the courage and strength to remain faithful to your wife.

The reason I say to ask for forgiveness is for the thoughts for "A". Your thoughts should be on and for your wife. I am not condemning you at all, marriage even under the best circumstances is very difficult. Difficult because of the clash between two wills and ways of doing things.

Your marriage can be healed. Please carefully pray about this situation. I am praying for you.
:thumb

[mrshoward]

I can tell you from bitter experience that you will NOT be happier if you leave your wife. I left my husband 20 years ago for similar reasons as yours. And I have spent years regretting destroying my family. My kids have scars on them that will never heal from that divorce and everything that happened as a result. If you are anything like I was, you won't listen to me or anyone here and you will do what you wnat. I hope that doesn't happen for you.

Please get some help and stay in your marriage. I am so sorry for what I did to my family and I was not happier for all the destruction. There was nobody out there better than what I had. I WAS THE PROBLEM. Took me a long time to figure it out.

[A_AmericanSaint]

You made a promise to your wife to honor her and to cherish her in sickness and in health until death do you part. You promised before God. If you break that promise, you will be held for that broken promise. Regardless of your feelings now, you should be held to your word.

1 Cor 7:15 'But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.'

'Let your yet be your yes, and your no be your no.'
Hold to your word.

Are you a believer?

Saint

[linda]

I have been in a loveless marriage for over 18 years. My dh has cheated on me countless times and is verbally and emotionally abusive. I had just come out of a physically abusive marriage when I met dh and I also had three small children, which are now grown.

I have wanted out of this marriage for years, but feel the Holy Spirit is leading me to stay for the time being.

Everyday I pray the Lord either restores my marriage or leads my husband to leave me. Everytime I pray about this situation the Lord speaks to me and says "Be Still and Know That I AM God". Which to me means, girl...I'll handle this. So now I just trust in Him and know He has a plan for me and my life.

One thing I have learned is the only man I truly 'need' to fulfill me is Jesus. I believe with all my heart I was suppose to marry dh to learn this. God knows how thick headed we (I) can be and sometimes it takes years of hell to finally understand how to give all our burdens to HIM. I now trust in Him and accept whichever direction He leads me.

side note: I love hearing Him speak to me. It's gotten to the point if I'm feeling low, stressed out, etc. a song comes on the Christian station I listen to and directly addresses the problem I'm having. Isn't God good!:clap

[Joyfull]

:hug Linda, your story struck a chord with me. I can relate to what you said... that sometimes it takes years of hell to learn to give your burdens to Him. I KNOW that is what He is trying to teach me right now. Praying for you, sister.

[Moony2ns]

Linda... very wise and powerful testimony. :hug

[coltrek]

Have somebody hold you accountable.