seachelle76
March 29th, 2005, 10:26 PM
I was considering something tonight, and it is quite difficult for me to admit this here. Yet, I feel the topic is important enough to warrant discussing. Those of you who've known me here, ableit not well, may have known that I have had spiritual struggles galore. I'm certainly a believer NOW, but there was a time not all that long ago where that wasn't such a sure thing.
Roughly two years ago I posted an anti-testimony around on the internet, which ironically was part of the catalyst for sending me on my search back to Christ. Sadly, the anti-testimony is still there as the board mod doesn't take 'em down once they're up and archives them for posterity. However, I did respond multiple times to my own anti-testimony talking about my ultimate change of heart.
I've read countless testimonies and even more anti-testimonies of former Christians. It is a very heart-rending thing to read something so personal. I was so confused, bitter, hurt, and had so many doubts and questions. Quite frankly, it's a miracle I found my way back to Christ. I did have some bad experiences at the hands of other Christians and I let that be an excuse for my gradual decline. I then started justifying what I considered to be biblical errors, etc. as a reason for doubting the veracity of the bible.
I'm firmly convinced that those who were/are similar to me need our love, prayers, and most importantly, they need to see our testimonies. There aren't enough of them around for people to read.
I have a short version that I post around here and I fully intend on making a more involved one. My anti-testimony was certainly long and involved. I think God deserves a better effort on my part this go around.
So for now, my short version:
My testimony (the short, inadequate version that glosses over lots of stuff, but keeps the general gist for the sake of brevity): I was raised in a Christian home and became a Christian at age six. I wasn't baptised until I was in the fifth grade. I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit (by this I mean the gift of tongues) at the age of twelve. I maintained a strong faith until college. I fell away because of numerous doubts and questions. I read, read, read. Apathy set in. I still considered myself a Christian. I married a man of like mind. I then considered myself a deist. My husband considers himself agnostic. I was going through a very painful deconversion process, although now I don't consider it to have been a real deconversion. Everything about me was miserable. I was a jaded cynic and the ultimate pessimist. People irritated me greatly. I still struggle with that sort of attitude at times. I was a constant seeker who oscillated between apathy, questioning, and unrest at not knowing my purpose in life. I also held a lot of anger towards other Christians who I believed were hypocritical and couldn't reconcile a true faith with what I was seeing evidenced in their lives. (Fortunately, I've since realized that if my faith were in others and not Christ it was ill placed.) One day, I was reading the Urantia Book of all things (false doctrine), and broke down at the mention of Jesus. I recalled my former closeness to Christ and felt the distance like a stake to my heart. I repented and asked Christ back into my life. That was a year ago. (Of course, I've had ups and downs since that time due to willing sin on my part, but the difference of Jesus Christ at work in my life has been immeasurable.)
You know, I've asked for people to convince me that Christianity is the only way. They can't. What might convince me, might not convince you and vice-versa. I missed my relationship with Christ terribly and felt empty. I personally had to come to a point of faith without having all of the answers and in spite of all of my questions/doubts...which, really, is what faith is all about, isn't it? I could never convince another person that God exists, but from personal experience, I definitely believe that He does and that is not only reassuring, but has started a process of incredible life-changes, etc. that I'm convinced haven't come from solely within myself. My life has only been improving. I had to surrender my own will to an unseen God (but I think, certainly knowable). Nobody can get to that point for you. However, don't be too discouraged. There's always hope.
Roughly two years ago I posted an anti-testimony around on the internet, which ironically was part of the catalyst for sending me on my search back to Christ. Sadly, the anti-testimony is still there as the board mod doesn't take 'em down once they're up and archives them for posterity. However, I did respond multiple times to my own anti-testimony talking about my ultimate change of heart.
I've read countless testimonies and even more anti-testimonies of former Christians. It is a very heart-rending thing to read something so personal. I was so confused, bitter, hurt, and had so many doubts and questions. Quite frankly, it's a miracle I found my way back to Christ. I did have some bad experiences at the hands of other Christians and I let that be an excuse for my gradual decline. I then started justifying what I considered to be biblical errors, etc. as a reason for doubting the veracity of the bible.
I'm firmly convinced that those who were/are similar to me need our love, prayers, and most importantly, they need to see our testimonies. There aren't enough of them around for people to read.
I have a short version that I post around here and I fully intend on making a more involved one. My anti-testimony was certainly long and involved. I think God deserves a better effort on my part this go around.
So for now, my short version:
My testimony (the short, inadequate version that glosses over lots of stuff, but keeps the general gist for the sake of brevity): I was raised in a Christian home and became a Christian at age six. I wasn't baptised until I was in the fifth grade. I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit (by this I mean the gift of tongues) at the age of twelve. I maintained a strong faith until college. I fell away because of numerous doubts and questions. I read, read, read. Apathy set in. I still considered myself a Christian. I married a man of like mind. I then considered myself a deist. My husband considers himself agnostic. I was going through a very painful deconversion process, although now I don't consider it to have been a real deconversion. Everything about me was miserable. I was a jaded cynic and the ultimate pessimist. People irritated me greatly. I still struggle with that sort of attitude at times. I was a constant seeker who oscillated between apathy, questioning, and unrest at not knowing my purpose in life. I also held a lot of anger towards other Christians who I believed were hypocritical and couldn't reconcile a true faith with what I was seeing evidenced in their lives. (Fortunately, I've since realized that if my faith were in others and not Christ it was ill placed.) One day, I was reading the Urantia Book of all things (false doctrine), and broke down at the mention of Jesus. I recalled my former closeness to Christ and felt the distance like a stake to my heart. I repented and asked Christ back into my life. That was a year ago. (Of course, I've had ups and downs since that time due to willing sin on my part, but the difference of Jesus Christ at work in my life has been immeasurable.)
You know, I've asked for people to convince me that Christianity is the only way. They can't. What might convince me, might not convince you and vice-versa. I missed my relationship with Christ terribly and felt empty. I personally had to come to a point of faith without having all of the answers and in spite of all of my questions/doubts...which, really, is what faith is all about, isn't it? I could never convince another person that God exists, but from personal experience, I definitely believe that He does and that is not only reassuring, but has started a process of incredible life-changes, etc. that I'm convinced haven't come from solely within myself. My life has only been improving. I had to surrender my own will to an unseen God (but I think, certainly knowable). Nobody can get to that point for you. However, don't be too discouraged. There's always hope.