Sex before marriage

[Jakki]

Before I go any further I must say I AM NOT CONDONING FORNICATION but there is something that nags at me a little that I would like advice on. How can a couple ensure they are physically compatible WITHOUT having premarital sex. You see there was a letter in a paper yesterday from a lady who claims she and her first husband were both virgins when they married but the marriage was never consummated and they divorced 3 years later on the grounds of sexual incompatibility. She then met another guy and lived with him before she married him and managed to sort out the sexual issues there and now they are happily married. This lady says she regrets NOT sleeping with her first hubby before they married because if they had done so they would have realised they were sexually incompatible and not got into a doomed marriage. My suspicions are that the lady and her first husband probably didn't work hard enough to try to overcome their physical problems but what answer can you give to this case? :confused :confused :confused :confused

[frisian1970]

Before I go any further I must say I AM NOT CONDONING FORNICATION but there is something that nags at me a little that I would like advice on. How can a couple ensure they are physically compatible WITHOUT having premarital sex.

:confused

Define physically compatible.

:confused

[chrislb]

Though my flesh likes the idea, I honestly think its bogus. I say this because, true "love" isn't based on sexual compatibility. They would have known if they thought the other had "sex appeal" before they got married. So if they both thought the other sexy before marriage, and the issue became "i'm not being satisfied in bed," pick up a magazine and read all the articles...."How to become a good lover" ...etc.

[B A N E]

The desires of the flesh will wane...
If *compatibility* was based on genitalial matches, we'd all be in trouble.

The west has a truly perverse idea on what love is.
Love is not:
lust,
adoration,
adulation,
fixation,
infatuation,
sex,
etc...

Love is:
The desire and effort to put another's needs ahead of one's self.

See Scripture for another exceedingly sound definition of love.

This woman showed that she/he loved her/his genitalia more than she/he cared
about her/his vows and her/his spouse. It's actually quite pathetic.

[rtd2]

orinal post by: Jakki....Before I go any further I must say I AM NOT CONDONING FORNICATION but there is something that nags at me a little that I would like advice on. How can a couple ensure they are physically compatible WITHOUT having premarital sex.








not condoning fornication either but sex is certainly a MAJOR need most relationships. with that I beleive marraige is a gift to sinner and saint but I some how think if both MAN and WOMAN are christians when they agree to marry I think god would somehow honor there love and commitment and work out ANY sexual problems BEFORE a problems arises? Anybody follow me :confused anyway I would like to see some figures on this I would think the # of virgins in this world is a decreasing trend and to have a couple who marries and BOTH are virgins is even more rare! :confused

[Jakki]

:confused

Define physically compatible.

:confused

Able to have a normal sexual relationship. This lady didn't say exactly how her and her first husband were incapable of that apart from saying their wedding night was a disaster and the marriage was never consummated. I know sex is only a small part of a marriage but it is an important small part isn't it? I've never been married so I wouldn't really know. :doh

[AnotherOldGuy]

This lady says she regrets NOT sleeping with her first hubby before they married because if they had done so they would have realised they were sexually incompatible and not got into a doomed marriage.

On this board I've seen posts from both sexes saying "before we were married, we were all over each other. Since the wedding, he/she has absolutely no interest."

That lady is simply trying to rationalize sin.

[Maria]

Well, wow. I always thought that marriage is the adventure of discovery of all this things... When you say your vows you agree to be together in the good and in the bad.... So, if there was an incompatibility, it should've been worked out during the marriage state... How come she was able to work it out in the latter relationship? I don't understand. She certainly had the same time while married tot he first to work things out as well. Was the 2nd man she was with more understanding? Was the first not?

I think the issues here go beyound incompatibility... I believe she had some issues of her own. Too bad she saved herself all that time and then ended up with someone else....

[frisian1970]

Able to have a normal sexual relationship. This lady didn't say exactly how her and her first husband were incapable of that apart from saying their wedding night was a disaster and the marriage was never consummated. I know sex is only a small part of a marriage but it is an important small part isn't it? I've never been married so I wouldn't really know. :doh

Just a guess, but I would say that any married couple can "learn" to be sexually compatible. Learning to read one another emotionally, physically, and to be together in relation to your walk with God, I don't see why a married couple (sans physical or emotional problems) cannot have "good" sex.

[MrsG0529]

As far as my understanding of the Bible goes, sexual incompatibility is not a reason for divorce. There are several marriages, Christian and non-Christian, in which the partners are sexually incompatible. It is not grounds for divorce.

Sex before marriage is wrong. Period.

Edited for spelling.

[rtd2]

by MrsG0529......As far as my understanding of the Bible goes, sexual incompatibility is not a reason for divorce. There are several marriage, Christian and non-Christian, in which the partners are sexually incompatible. It is not grounds for divorce.







WOW that makes marriage sound like a BIG GAMBLE :heh

[MrsG0529]

WOW that makes marriage sound like a BIG GAMBLE :heh

No, marriage isn't a gamble once you understand that forever means...well, forever. And ever. :):

[IbeleiveinJesus]

I think prior to marriage a couple needs to have a very frank talk about this kind of thing... If one partner is unconventional in their sexual desires, and another is very traditional, it probably wasn't meant to be..

But, I think communication can resolve these sorts of incompatabilities....

-Ted

[MrsG0529]

My question is this...

So a woman decides to "kick the tires" before marriage and finds out that they ARE sexually incompatible. How many more men does she "kick the tires" with until she is satisfied she has found the right one?

[pilgrimian]

Before I go any further I must say I AM NOT CONDONING FORNICATION but there is something that nags at me a little that I would like advice on. How can a couple ensure they are physically compatible WITHOUT having premarital sex. You see there was a letter in a paper yesterday from a lady who claims she and her first husband were both virgins when they married but the marriage was never consummated and they divorced 3 years later on the grounds of sexual incompatibility. She then met another guy and lived with him before she married him and managed to sort out the sexual issues there and now they are happily married. This lady says she regrets NOT sleeping with her first hubby before they married because if they had done so they would have realised they were sexually incompatible and not got into a doomed marriage. My suspicions are that the lady and her first husband probably didn't work hard enough to try to overcome their physical problems but what answer can you give to this case? :confused :confused :confused :confused

Okay, I'll be straight-forward here...

Sexual capatability has NOTHING to do with the length and worth of a relationship. Many years back I had a sinful relationship with a girl back in Michigan. We were sexually capatible...but I didn't love her as I love my wife (I was married six months ago). In fact, my wife and I never met face-to-face until I proposed. We fell in love over the telephone while I was in Michigan, and she in California.

Sex is something a couple is to work on. You are correct, the lady and her first husband obviously didn't work on that part of their relationship...looks like they didn't work at all on it. For her to wish she'd slept with him previous to being married shows her to be rather shallow, I'm afraid. She is wishing that while being married? That's sick, actually.

I am regretful of my sinful relationship back in Michigan those years ago. God taught me to fully rely on Him through the healing, and beyond to today. By relying on Him, and praying a lot with my wife (prior to marriage) everything worked out just fine.

So having sex before marriage just messes with one's emotions...and causes one to feel obligated to a relationship that is not blessed before the Lord...a relationship that is not a union. Being of one flesh, but not of one mind in Christ is useless. We are to respect the wedding bed, as the writer of Hebrews says. Therefore, we ought to wait to have sex. My wife and I waited, and our love and union is amazing...it's all because of God.

Godspeed,
Matthew

[Ajani]

That's a good question, Mrs. G.

I wonder where faith comes in? Does the couple have faith in God that He has already worked out the best possible mate for them? And do they have faith that He will help them work through issues of physical incompatibility?

I can't help but wonder what kind of person leaves a spouse because he/she isn't what was desired in bed. Sounds pretty sad, to me.

[HeIsEnough]

Perhaps I'm just an old dude, ok, I am just an old dude, but what exactly is sexual incompatibility?

[Hootmon]

Perhaps I'm just an old dude, ok, I am just an old dude, but what exactly is sexual incompatibility? Speaking as another 'old dude', that is a good question.

[frisian1970]

Perhaps I'm just an old dude, ok, I am just an old dude, but what exactly is sexual incompatibility?
Unless one is oddly shaped or something, I am still not certain.

:confused

[MrsG0529]

Sexually incompatible to ME means that one might have a much higher sex drive or something like that. That's why I posted that I think it happens in a lot of marriages. I could be wrong though. :confused

[HeIsEnough]

Sexually incompatible to ME means that one might have a much higher sex drive or something like that. That's why I posted that I think it happens in a lot of marriages. I could be wrong though. :confused
Ok, us old dudes can understand that better. :laugh

[frisian1970]

Sexually incompatible to ME means that one might have a much higher sex drive or something like that. That's why I posted that I think it happens in a lot of marriages. I could be wrong though. :confused

I would think at times we are all "sexually incompatible" then.

:confused

[Ladybug]

Unless one is oddly shaped or something, I am still not certain.

:confused


I think it is more, uh, technique, as opposed to biological, shall we say? She liked sex, he didn't, -or- he was kinky, she wasn't.

[frisian1970]

I think it is more, uh, technique, as opposed to biological, shall we say? She liked sex, he didn't, -or- he was kinky, she wasn't.

Hmmm, well "technique" certainly can be learned, so I don't see the problem.

[Ladybug]

Hmmm, well "technique" certainly can be learned, so I don't see the problem.


And what if you don't enjoy sex?

[frisian1970]

And what if you don't enjoy sex?

I suppose one could have physical problems, or a past traumatic experience, or mental illness of sorts that could restrict such. Or, if one partner is selfish.

[HeIsEnough]

And what if you don't enjoy sex?
For better or for worse,
In sickness and in health

You never know where your life will take you, and what you may have to endure, but it is that way for us all.

[frisian1970]

For better or for worse,
In sickness and in health

You never know where your life will take you, and what you may have to endure, but it is that way for us all.

:nod

[MrsG0529]

And what if you don't enjoy sex?

And what if you have a horrible accident that renders you unable to have sex? That doesn't make your marriage vows null and void.

[RobinB]

I saw on the news this morning several teens who had made the commitment to be chaste until marriage. They were attractive kids, some long-term dating, and they each wore a silver ring as a reminder. The rings were inscribed with a verse from Thess. (can't recall which one) and it was sooo nice to hear this after hearing how middle school kids wear colored bracelets now to indicate their sexual preferences.

Charlie Gibson asked some questions and you would have been proud of how the kids answered, because Charlie all but questioned stuff like compatibility. (and he didn't congratulate them or say good job or anything)

Anyway, it was very refreshing and I wish there had been groups like this when I was in high school.

Back to main topichttp://luvjc.net/emoticons/angel/004.gif

[Ladybug]

I didn't say I agree with the concept of sexual incompatibility, I was just trying to explain what the person might have meant. :faint

Yes, if there are sexual problems in the marriage, they should be worked out. :nod
Not being able to physically have sex doesn't nullify the marriage. :nod

[tennismenace]

Interesting question.

I'm curious, do you play the stock market?

Anyhow, there are no guarantees in marriage. You might not be sexually attracted AFTER marriage. Oh well! If that happens, what will you do about it? The answer will determine a lot about who you are and what priorities you have in life.

What happens if you are married and the sex is great and then your spouse gets into a serious car accident and now the sex is not so great? What do you do then?

Life is a test and an opportunity to show how much we love (God, fellow man, enemy, etc). I can go on, but I think I said enough (for now).

Hey, and I'm not going to tell you that I like, or even agree with, all the "rules" as written, because I would be a liar if I did. Sometimes, you just have to believe that Father Knows Best!

[HeIsEnough]

I didn't say I agree with the concept of sexual incompatibility, I was just trying to explain what the person might have meant. :faint

Yes, if there are sexual problems in the marriage, they should be worked out. :nod
Not being able to physically have sex doesn't nullify the marriage. :nod:thumb

[Ajani]

When I consider that before my husband and I were Christians (and married), our sex life was pretty active, and now that we're married it isn't, I still can't imagine it being grounds for divorce. The idea sounds incredibly selfish to me.

[hapimom98]

So having sex before marriage just messes with one's emotions...and causes one to feel obligated to a relationship that is not blessed before the Lord...a relationship that is not a union. Being of one flesh, but not of one mind in Christ is useless. We are to respect the wedding bed, as the writer of Hebrews says. Therefore, we ought to wait to have sex. Godspeed,Matthew


Excellent post, Matthew. :thumb My thoughts exactly, but you are much more eloquent.
I have personal experience of this too. My husband and I, both Christians, got physically involved before we got married (17 years ago) and I can say for a fact that it messes up your emotions. You become emotionally involved with a person based on the flesh rather than all the other reasons that God intends. You can't base a relationship on SEX. I regret it so much, because I feel that had we gotten to know each other without the sex it would've given us a much more balanced knowledge of each other that perhaps we wouldn't have decided to get married. I love my husband, but our marriage has been rocky, and had we known each other better than we did, perhaps we would've made different decisions.
BUT....this does not give us an excuse to divorce. We will continue to stay married, although it is difficult for the most part. We are very committed to each other and to God. We meant our vows when we said them.

My advice would be to anyone who is considering "giving in" and having pre-marital sex, please don't. You won't be able to make good decisions. Your decisions will be based in your flesh.

[mbtcforJesus]

If two believers in Jesus are faithful to His commands and refrain from fornication than they will be very compatible when it comes to consumating their marriage. I know because my wife and I were faithful to His commands prior to marriage.

There is much more to marriage than having sex. Companionship, friendship, encouragement, support, are just a few things that help make people compatible besides just having sex. If people are most concerned with just sex I would say that perhaps they shouldn't get married to one another.

[Medic911]

How can a couple ensure they are physically compatible WITHOUT having premarital sex.
Trust me, so long as one is a woman, and the other is a guy, barring any physical injuries or defects, we're ALL "compatible".

That's just a term invented to justify the sins we commit, and it's a load of bunk.

[antitox]

I agree with those who stated that you "learn" about how to please each other. Marriage takes effort and communication, and sadly, most people go into their marriage relationship with virtually no idea of what it takes to maintain one. They think that the other person will please them and happiness forever. I've been married for 30 yrs, and I can say we are at the place where we understand each other and enjoy, appreciate, and value each other's company more than ever. And if you want the honest truth, that's when sex is the best.

[Kyrie Eleison]

Trust me, so long as one is a woman, and the other is a guy, barring any physical injuries or defects, we're ALL "compatible".

That's just a term invented to justify the sins we commit, and it's a load of bunk.


:nod

Yes, I think I heard this excuse about a thousand times during the 60's when sleeping around was being promoted under the guise of "free love" during the flower power movement, but many still needed a push out of their morals, so this fear tactic was employed. Not to mention that it's the oldest trick in the book for the enemy to get people thinking the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence so he can start people lawn hopping! Today, we have all sorts of disgusting "reality" shows that are attempting to further that same, tired, old lie about compatibility and experimentation. Yeah it's bunk, just :bolt

[blessanna]

Basically the person does not understand the covenant of marriage. In marriage the two become one. The man becomes the head. The wife is to submit to her husband. It's not just about sex. It's not just about love.

In marriage feelings wane. You can't rely or trust your feelings. You can love your spouse one minute and hate them the next. You can go through dry spells and have wonderful spells.

You have to take on the attitude that divorce is not an option. For better or worse. Even if it came to a point that you could not have sex you need to understand this is about commitment and covenant not about pleasuring our bodies and ourselves.

Marriage is a flesh killer. God designed it that way. Marriage is about sacrifices. Letting go of your own wishes and desires for the sake of others. It is about iron sharpening iron. It's about being open to correction and rebuke by your spouse so that you can be a better person. Marriage is about mercy. Forgiving and showing mercy to your spouse even when they have hurt you and betrayed you. It is about laying your life down for another.

When you begin to see that you and your spouse are in it for life and this is your one and only, your best friend, your companion, another part of you, your partner - physically, emotionally, spiritually then sex comes easy. You realize it isn't about orgasms, pleasuring yourself but a way to worship God and celebrate the convenant love you have for one another. Bringing your minds, bodies and spirits together as one. Knowing that you share a special connection with this person that you share with no one else.

If it is just about sex then it becomes defiled, unpleasurable and leaves you simply feeling empty and miserable and never satisfied.

[cookie]

If I remember correctly sexual activity in a marriage is only 10% of the marriage.
I will have to ask my father for the stats and then I will post them.

sexual compatibility my foot.

It's till death to us part sick or healthy.

Some married people come in to a marriage comparing there new man or women to the last. Now how fair is that. Then you have those who have remained pure in the Lord but have an image of how its going to be. when it turns out not to be that why the flip out. Like all is going to fall apart.
In marriage you learn about everything and together. The issues is learning. Some are just not willing to admit they need to learn.

You should never marry a person just for sexual needs. That would be a death signature to your marriage commitment.

imho

[rekker]

Able to have a normal sexual relationship. This lady didn't say exactly how her and her first husband were incapable of that apart from saying their wedding night was a disaster and the marriage was never consummated. I know sex is only a small part of a marriage but it is an important small part isn't it? I've never been married so I wouldn't really know. :doh


There are a few couples who are physically unable to have sex (edited for clarity) because the man is too large, or the woman has extreme pain during intercourse, etc.

I have friends who had a rough time for the first 18 months because sex was extremely painful for her. For others I can imagine that sex would be almost impossible.

Regardless, I think those issues can be identified with a thorough examination by a physician PRIOR to getting married. I don't think having premarital sex is the only way to identify them.

I don't want to be insensitive to those who have had terrible sexual difficulties, but I think "sexual incompatibility" is thrown around a little too loosely sometimes. I know people often consider "lack of fireworks" to mean they are sexually incompatible.

[MrsG0529]

There are a few couples who are physically unable to have sin because the man is too large, or the woman has extreme pain during intercourse, etc.

Rekker,

Was this a typo or do you consider sexual intercourse during marriage to be a sin?

[rekker]

Rekker,

Was this a typo or do you consider sexual intercourse during marriage to be a sin?

Geez, I hope not, or my wife would be quite disappointed! (so would I for that matter) :laugh

*ahem* sorry, no, that was a typo :doh

[MrsG0529]

Geez, I hope not, or my wife would be quite disappointed! (so would I for that matter) :laugh

*ahem* sorry, no, that was a typo :doh

:lol Good, I was going to have to get upset over that one. :hug

[RonnieBee]

Sexual desire and drives are about as diverse as the grains of sand in the sea. Even if pre-martial sex was permitted, it could not guarantee a happy marriage, because these drives can increase, decrease, or otherwise change when the new wears off of your marriage.

True love is based on Trust, Love and Admiration, AND a Spirit of Deep Caring for another persons welfare. The marriage vows say for better or worse, but when the worse comes along the vows are often forgotten.

Also, how you feel about love, sex, and fidelity depends on how you were raised as a child. If you were raised by loving parents that taught you the christian values of love, you will probably have a happier marriage if you find someone of a similar background.

Another thing that can be used as a measure of compatibility in lieu of pre-martial sex is common interest. People with similar interest seem to get along better, That's why many councilors advise that you marry the man, or woman who is your best friend.

If you are a Christian, one thing you can do is pray that God will send you the right mate. I was a very lonely insecure male at the age of 18, and I ask God to send me a woman I could love, and be loved by for the rest of my life. In less that one year I met her, and married her. We will be celebrating our 45th anniversary in october 2004.

Did we have pre-martial sex? I'm sorry to admit we did, twice. However we were married within 6 week of that 1st time, and the Lord has forgiven us.
It hasn't always been easy. We've had some very trying times during our marriage, and almost called it quits once. But due to forgiveness on both sides, our love endures still. So if you are seeking a mate, don't forget to pray.

As paul said:

1 Corin 7:8 / NIV
8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Emphasis mine.

[audi72]

I think that sexual incompatibility = lack of communication, plain and simple (barring, of course, a physical problem). It's hard for me to imagine how one can love someone so much and know him/her so well that they would marry that person, yet be embarrassed or afraid or too stubborn to say, "Honey, I would prefer it if you did it this way," or "I really like it when you do this," etc. I think if you are comfortable enough to marry someone and see his/her naked body, you can be comfortable enough to talk about it.

[Singlesis]

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

The marriage bed (marital sex) is undefiled. Period. Any other (sex) is defiled. Simple enough? :nod

[Russ]

When you get married,you agree to be with each other in the good and the bed times


















:laugh

Sorry! I couldn't resist.

[CanaanBound]

Sounds like mental incompatibilty. These are spiritual issues as well. Both were not ready for marriage in the first place. Put Jesus NO. 1 and He will direct your paths. I believe if both would have done this...they would have realized it was not the will of the Father for them to be together. IMHO.

[wigginsmum]

One of my friends married another guy at the church; no physical intimacy before. On the wedding night he carried her over the threshold, put her down, and announced that he was impotent. They didn't consummate the marriage for a year or so. But she figured she'd made a commitment to him and would stick by him; God blessed it and 15 years later they have a lovely marriage with all the physical problems sorted out.

Jules

[TonyLee]

Well, wow. I always thought that marriage is the adventure of discovery of all this things... When you say your vows you agree to be together in the good and in the bad.... So, if there was an incompatibility, it should've been worked out during the marriage state... How come she was able to work it out in the latter relationship? I don't understand. She certainly had the same time while married tot he first to work things out as well. Was the 2nd man she was with more understanding? Was the first not?

I think the issues here go beyound incompatibility... I believe she had some issues of her own. Too bad she saved herself all that time and then ended up with someone else....

This is a world where many people want to please themselves only. Everything is about "me"!

[LoriInFL]

I saw on the news this morning several teens who had made the commitment to be chaste until marriage. They were attractive kids, some long-term dating, and they each wore a silver ring as a reminder. The rings were inscribed with a verse from Thess. (can't recall which one) and it was sooo nice to hear this after hearing how middle school kids wear colored bracelets now to indicate their sexual preferences.
[/img]

I adored that when my daughter did it with her youth group... :)


I remember, when asked about sex by my 15 year old niece, telling her that sex is God's special present to a man and a woman when they marry. Like any present, it should never be opened before it's presented.

Her reply "can we just peek"? AH.. I saw where this was going and said "well.. sometimes we watch the presents accumulate around the tree, and we are tempted to shake each one out of curiousity when no one is watching - but doing that is sort of like cheating on the gift giver... you have no reason to cheat on God - he'll give that gift at the proper time".

I dunno if it sunk in.. she's 33 now, and just expecting her first child after 11 years of marriage so I'm guessing she eventually figured it out! :lol

[Jakki]

Thanks to all who replied to my question. It helped a lot. :hug :grouphug

[rekker]

One of my friends married another guy at the church; no physical intimacy before. On the wedding night he carried her over the threshold, put her down, and announced that he was impotent. They didn't consummate the marriage for a year or so. But she figured she'd made a commitment to him and would stick by him; God blessed it and 15 years later they have a lovely marriage with all the physical problems sorted out.

Jules

Er...without knowing the whole story, I think he should have told her that before they got married, don't you think?

I think I would be angry with him for hiding that if I was her. Not that I would decide not to marry him, but at least be able to prepare myself for that reality and work through it together.