My soon-to-be daughter in-law

[1Heavenbound]

Hey All,

My DS is getting married this coming Saturday to a girl he's known most of his life (they have been together off and on since 6th grade).

Well, I have a big problem with him marrying this girl (I can't call her a "woman", since she has of yet shown me anything to think she's anything other then a girl.)

They were engaged 2 years ago and had nothing, but problems. They fought constantly (which I am not trying to imply it was always her fault), but she is the most selfish, hard-headed, control kind person that I have ever known.
My DS has lived on his own since he was 18 years old. He has a great job, bought his first home last July and is a Christian (became a Christian before I did).
Well, this "girl" claims she is also a Christian (I don't know if she is, or isn't), but she has treated my DS so bad in the past, I know he is making the biggest mistake of his life.

When they were engaged before, they came here for a 2 week visit (we live in different States) and we were talking about their up-coming wedding. She told me (under no certain terms) that she expects her wedding (and guests) to act a certain way. That Billy (my DS) has told her that my family is from the South. she said that she doesn't have a problem with that, but she wanted a list of my family members that I trust to "behave" and act civil, before she invites them! :freaked :mad :mad

I had to :tape on that one (out of respect for my Son), so the topic went from the wedding to future children. I told her that I couldn't wait to have my first Grandbaby (thinking that was a safe topic), but low and behold...she grabbed me, gave me a hug and said; "Oh, I can't wait either! Now that I have gotten to know you better in this two weeks, I won't mind at all you having contact with our children!" :faint

Well, to make a very long story short, the remaining 3 days for her, at my house, I'm sure was "you know what" for her! I was livid!
So, they went back home and continued to have problems. She didn't want him to have any contact with his co-workers outside of his job, he had limited contact with me (phone calls only) and at least 4 times he had to call the police, so he could be let back in to his own house.
Well, he finally said "enough is enough", and he broke up with her. I kid you not, 5 days after Billy breaking up with her, she was engaged to a guy that lives across the street from her parents. :yell

So, for 7 months, they didn't have any contact with one another. Billy was crushed (because he really loved this girl), but he was finally getting over it and started to date again, and get a better life for himself. I had never seen him so happy.
Well, 2 months ago she shows up on his door step, crying and begging Billy to take her back. Well, we've always said that Billy is too kindhearted, but there's "kindhearted" and then there's stupid . Billy takes her back.
She told him that she just wasn't ready to get married before (oh, but she was ready to marry this other guy), but now she's grown as a "woman" :rolleyes and knows who she is. She loves him, etc, etc.

So, for the last 2 months she's worked hard to convince Billy and the rest of the family that she's "changed". I haven't trusted her from day one, but I could not convince Billy, so now they're getting married Saturday.
Today Billy calls (excited) that Saturday is almost here and was asking me what time we're starting out to his house on Friday, but then I hear her big mouth in the background saying; "Bill, make sure they know how to dress for the wedding!!!" :frusty

Let me tell all of you (just in case you all are thinking that we live in a shot gun house, bare foot, with all kind of critters hanging on the front porch), we are upper middle class (as far as our income) we are Native American, but do not run around half naked, shaking what the Lord gave us, with scalps dangling from our waists. We are like everyone else and have worked hard for what we have.
As the good Lord is my witness, I have no idea where she's coming up with her feelings towards us. I don't believe it has anything to do with us being Indian, but I think it has something to do with my family being from the South.

She's also extremely jealous of my close relationship that I have with my children (especially Billy) and has said more then once that Billy is wrong in wanting to speak to me so much. She is not afraid to make comments to my other children as well, as far as them always calling Billy.

I do not know what to do, let alone try to figure out how I'm going to get through Saturday. Of course I'm emotional that my "baby" is getting married, but I do want to see all of my children eventually get married, start families of their own and be happy! I am not one to butt into my childrens affairs. Even when they had problems before, I would always listen to both sides and then give my opinion (but only if I was asked).

I have always said; "My son, or daughter-in-laws will be treated just like one of my own children." My 20 year old has a wonderful gf and I love her dearly. They're getting married next Sept. They have had spats too, but I never interfere. I don't know what I have done wrong, or how I can get through this. No one is happy that Billy is marrying this girl, but he's almost 23, a grown man, so there's nothing that we can do, except be there for him should he ever need us.

I need advice for saturday. I'm really afraid I'm going to lose my cool with her, or a member of her family (they all act just like her!) Thanks

[cameron222]

It can be a heart breaker, but its his life and he will have to live with whatever decision he makes.

The more you object, the more determined he will become to marry the girl that mom does not approve of.

If you ever expect to see your son again and any grandchildren that might come along, you will have to :tape , grin and go about your own life while he lives his.

[1Heavenbound]

It can be a heart breaker, but its his life and he will have to live with whatever decision he makes.

The more you object, the more determined he will become to marry the girl that mom does not approve of.

If you ever expect to see your son again and any grandchildren that might come along, you will have to :tape , grin and go about your own life while he lives his.
That's what I was afraid of. :sigh Honestly, I'm beginning to think I blame my son more then I blame her. He's allowing this girl to treat us this way and I do not see him defending us for how she talks to us.

I doubt I'll see much of the wedding itself, I'm going to be too busy praying. :cry

[Old 33]

Do not make your son choose between you and his wife. You will lose that battle, and it will only be painful to you and your son.

He's an adult, and you've got to let him make his own choices. Even if you believe with all your heart that he is making the biggest mistake of his life, you've got to let him make it.

Continue to love and support your son...at some point this marriage may end badly, and he will need the love and support of his family. And even if the marriage doesn't end, the love and support of family is important for any marriage. At my wedding, our parents also took a vow to love and support my wife and I...

Let me tell all of you (just in case you all are thinking that we live in a shot gun house, bare foot, with all kind of critters hanging on the front porch), we are upper middle class (as far as our income) we are Native American, but do not run around half naked, shaking what the Lord gave us, with scalps dangling from our waists. We are like everyone else and have worked hard for what we have.

:lol You could show up to the wedding half naked, shaking what the Lord gave you, with scalps dangling from your waists, just for kicks, though...

That'd certainly make an impression...



Good luck, Heavenbound!

[1Heavenbound]

Do not make your son choose between you and his wife. You will lose that battle, and it will only be painful to you and your son.
I know, you're right. It just ticks me off that it's even come down to this. Once she called me after one of their fights and she assumed that I would take his side, because I'm his Mother, but I didn't. Although I can't stand how she has treated him, I have always made sure (when she would talk to me) that he's treated her with respect (even when they're fighting.) I would never condone one of my son's mistreating a woman. She should know by now that I'm not going to be a butting-in, bad Mother-inlaw, but I guess she doesn't care.

He's an adult, and you've got to let him make his own choices. Even if you believe with all your heart that he is making the biggest mistake of his life, you've got to let him make it.
I know you're right, but it is difficult to sit by and watch him make the biggest mistake of his life. As I said, he's recently bought his first house (but with you being a lawyer and all), could she take his home, if they should ever divorce? I think that's what scares me more then anything!
Actually, that's what we all think she may try and do. She's really put a lot of pressure on Billy to get married since they've been back together and I think that's why. She knows she will be well provided for!

Continue to love and support your son...at some point this marriage may end badly, and he will need the love and support of his family. And even if the marriage doesn't end, the love and support of family is important for any marriage. At my wedding, our parents also took a vow to love and support my wife and I...
God bless your parents! I will continue to support him in any way that I can. I'll try my hardest to keep my trap shut in the future. :tape2



:lol You could show up to the wedding half naked, shaking what the Lord gave you, with scalps dangling from your waists, just for kicks, though...

That'd certainly make an impression...
Don't tempt me! :pound I'm just crazy enough to do it too! :lol



Good luck, Heavenbound!
Thanks, 33!
BTW, could she take his house if they ever divorce?

[Old 33]

BTW, could she take his house if they ever divorce?
It will depend on the state they're living in at the time.

As a general rule of thumb, property that one brings into a marriage is treated differently than property acquired during the marriage. Right now, he owns the house in fee simple, meaning that he is the sole owner of the home (once the mortgage is paid off).

He can go and put her on the deed, in effect "selling" the house from himself the individual to them as a couple. Then they would own it as tenants in common.

Regardless, it'll be better if he doesn't get divorced. No matter what, it'll more than likely cost him money.

[1Heavenbound]

He can go and put her on the deed, in effect "selling" the house from himself the individual to them as a couple. Then they would own it as tenants in common.

Oh no! I bet that's exactly what he plans on doing! I'm afraid this is going to be one costly lesson learned very soon. :pray

[rs41]

My son-in-law and I couldn't stand to be in the same room together a few months ago. Then he was in an accident and almost died. He had been drinking. His family completly cut him off. I ministred to him and showed him the love of Christ. It wasn't easy! He and my daughter were saved April 25th and baptized last Sunday. There is always hope Heavenbound. Now he calls me his spiritual father and we are growing ever closer.

[1Heavenbound]

My son-in-law and I couldn't stand to be in the same room together a few months ago. Then he was in an accident and almost died. He had been drinking. His family completly cut him off. I ministred to him and showed him the love of Christ. It wasn't easy! He and my daughter were saved April 25th and baptized last Sunday. There is always hope Heavenbound. Now he calls me his spiritual father and we are growing ever closer.
That's a wonderful story and thank you for sharing that. I would love to be able to get along with my future daughter-in-law, but unless she has a change of heart, I just don't know what else to do. I have never mistreated her. I praying that it all changes for she and I.

[birdwoman]

Remember that she is the gatekeeper, the lion at the door to your access to your future grandchildren. You will have suck it up and make nice if you want to see them. You will have to be come a great actress and pray, pray and pray again. For her and for your attitude to her. This won't be fun.Sounds like she wants him all to herself and doesn't realize that you marry the man, you marry the family as well.

[1Heavenbound]

Remember that she is the gatekeeper, the lion at the door to your access to your future grandchildren. You will have suck it up and make nice if you want to see them. You will have to be come a great actress and pray, pray and pray again. For her and for your attitude to her. This won't be fun.Sounds like she wants him all to herself and doesn't realize that you marry the man, you marry the family as well.
Truer words were never spoken! I mean, my grandchildren aren't even here yet (they're only a thought) and I couldn't love them more then I do already! Family means everything to me and it always has.

My other son's gf and I are very close. She is just like a daughter to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. That's why I am so upset and puzzled to why Billy's (may as well call her his wife) wife , feels and acts as she does. I've known her most of her life and it hasn't been until she was about 17 years old that her attitude began to change.

Billy swears that when they do decide to have children, that the kids will know me just as well as his wifes parents, but I'm already doubting that.
I've already told my husband that once the babies start coming, that if she will not allow me to spend time with them, I'll haul her butt into court! I'm not kidding.

It would just kill me to know that I cannot see my grandchildren. That would be too much to bear.

[happy girl]

:hug We had a similar situation in my family. I have a sister who is a lot older than me. Her son did the same exact thing, and even at the same age. My sister was understandably upset at the controlling and downright rude behaviour that her future daughter in law spewed from her lips every moment she could. My sister did not keep her cool. She let the young lady know what she thought, and the claws came out and the fur went flying. (not literally). The problem is, the normally great relationship she had with her son turned sour for quite a while because of it. I would have to say that even though you are right, it is his decision. It may seem like he's being selfish because he isn't looking at the whole picture of who she really is and how she treats your family.I takes experience in life to see people that way (usually via getting burned, you learn your lesson), and he is so young. Sadly, he will see this the hard way, but it is part of the hard knocks of life. Pray. I hope the young woman will mature and treat him like man deserves to be treated, and will treat you as her mother and your whole family with love and respect- as family should.

[1Heavenbound]

Thank you, Happy Girl.
I cannot even begin to guess why she's being the way that she is, but maybe she's threatened by the closeness of our family, I don't know.

My 20 year old is Billy's best man and already twice tonight he's called me complaining about how much he's dreading this wedding. I told him that we all are going to have to put on fake smiles and get through, because we cannot let Billy down. I know there's going to come a time when she's going to leave him, so we have to just rally around Billy right now and let him know that we're there 100%.

As much as I would love to have grandchildren, I pray that they don't...at least until they both have matured and there's a chance they will make it. Personally, I give them 6 months. :(:
Oh well, there's not much I can do now. Thanks for sharing that with me and I will most definitely be praying and continue to pray. Also, please keep my son in your prayers. He's gonna need it.

God Bless :wave

[cindyw]

Personally, I give them 6 months. :(:
Oh well, there's not much I can do now. Thanks for sharing that with me and I will most definitely be praying and continue to pray. Also, please keep my son in your prayers. He's gonna need it. God Bless :wave

Prayer is the best thing to do.........pray that the Lord softens your heart toward your daughter in law and pray your daughter in law sees the blessing she has in you and the new family she will be entering.

I KNOW my MIL was sick when my DH married me and probably gave us 6 months too. I was a VERY troubled girl. I drank like a fish and was uncouth to say the very least. I'm quite sure I was not what they wanted for their only beloved son. However, after 4 years of marriage, I became saved and I DRASTICALLY changed. My DH and I have been married 16 years now----the good years began AFTER mine and his salvation. His parents told me last weekend they talk about us alot and say "we are so lucky to have a daughter in law like Cindy---she is a great mother to our grandchildren and a great wife to our son"........Personally, I think they think too highly of me cause I know ALL my own faults, but my point is this: What they got when their son got married is NOT what they have now. Things can and many times do change for the best. Pray for her--------unceasingly. You all will be blessed..............

[happy girl]

Your welcome. Who knows what makes some folks the way they are. In her case it's probably part up bringing and part immaturity, I hope she grows up soon. I was thinking, so what if you all were the type that lived in a lower class home, or if your situation was different? SHE is the one marrying your son which means she would have to love you the way you are. That tells me two things... materialistic... and immature. I hope she doesn't try to keep Billy away from you guys, and if she does I hope he puts his foot down. Either way, I hope that everything turns out for your family and for your son and his wife to get along. Sometimes time will heal all wounds. Pray, God bless you.

[sandy111]

sorry to hear this.

I have a plaque on my wall that says

Let us not love in word, niether in toungue
but in deed and in truth....

Its a hard one, but in time it will pay off.

[kathy mendel]

My son married a very outspoken and controlling young woman four years ago. At the time, I wondered how I would ever have a good relationship with her. It took some time, lots of prayer, and a loving attitude from me to make it work. I had to let a lot of things just roll off my back and not get upset over them. When the "big things" came up I had to stand my ground, but I always tried to do it nicely and in a friendly way. But, I didn't budge, if I felt it was a matter of principle.

They had their first baby one year later..........I was there for the delivery and when they would call me to watch Bekah, and if I was free, I jumped at the chance to do that. Well, Bekah is now three................and the relationship that my DIL and I have is beyond wonderful. I think she likes me better than her own mom and my son's real mom (I'm the stepmom - but raised him since he was twelve.) I've learned that you have to do everything in the spirit of love and acceptance. It works. And........I had to lean alot on the Lord sometimes to get thru it at first.

I will keep all of you in prayer. Expect the best - not the worse. Give your best to both of them. Love them unconditionally.............that's how God loves us.............should we not do the same? And, then, if it doesn't work out, you will know that you did your best.........you did the right thing. God will bless you for that.

[Old 33]

Good luck this weekend, 1Heavenbound! Our prayers will be with you and your family!

[prairiedog]

I know you're not going to like this, but she is the one your son chose to marry. All you're required to do is be polite. Not saying you're not polite, just that's what is required. And if she is rude to you, tell her that isn't very nice & you will not put up with it.

You say you're from the South. I'm from the midwest, so I identify with the snobbery you are getting from her. Southerners & mid-westerners somehow get labeled as being trashy. I'd rather be trashy than snobbish.

I am currently married to my inlaws, but not by choice. It's because they have greater influence over my husband than I do. They are social climbers (aka "snobs") & are very disappointed that their son didn't marry someone they could brag about to their cronies. One would think I'm the devil incarnate.

I realize that you have concerns for your son & that you want him to have a happy marriage (judging from your posts). But he has known her for many years & should have a clue as to what she is like by now.

We sound like our circumstances are very similar, except you're disrespected by the DIL & I am by the MIL.

[pookiesmom#25]

:(: Oh my....this thread makes me SO very sad.....Friends thought and still think I'm a little crazy, but I've worried about this very situation since my son was in the fourth grade....YES thoughts of my future DIL flew threw my mind MORE than a time or two for this very reason....My son is now 15.....He is my only child, I can't imagine someone coming between us...I've always said whomever he marry's, she will be the daughter I've never had.....at least that's what I want her to be.....

My mother and brother had a falling out over his wife and they didn't speak for 7 years...I've sat at her table many a night listening to her cry, it's a cry I've never heard before, not even at a funeral....They are on speaking terms again, but I had to ask her how she got through it, her reply was.....the only thing that kept her sane during that time was to pretend he was in the military, stationed far away and there was no way for him to contact her.. :(: I'll be praying for you......I don't understand the jealousy a wife can have towards the relationship between a mother and son....YES I know MIL's can sometimes stick their noses where they don't belong...but my goodness say what's on your mind...put it on the table, talk about it and move on.....

My grandmother used to say..."A son is your son until he takes a wife...but a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life"......I dunno seems more true than not.......

[antitox]

It appears that Billy's fiance is a control freak. People of this type usually pair up with someone of a softer personality; someone who they can exert some control over. I had a friend who controlled by his wife. They eventually divorced because he got to where he couldn't tolerate it anymore and decided to stand up for himself. Billy is obviously blinded by some aspects of this girl that he really loves and chooses not to take note of the problems that are apparent with her relationally. He's young and has not yet been through enough of life's problems to make an informed decision, so he's just focused on the "girl."

It is an especially difficult thing for you because you see the problem up front, but he would learn a long, hard, costly lesson if he goes through with it. Only thing I can say is pray. Pray that the Lord reveal to Billy the problem before he marries her (that she show her colors in full form).
God is merciful.

[BJG]

Heavenbound, I am praying.

[Witness4Jesus]

Heavenbound...

I am a DIL of inlaws that didn't like me. It was because the parents had always been in control of their son.. they didn't like it that I insisted we go through the pre marriage at church with our pastor. We have had MANY ups and downs with the in laws... but my DH has always stood by my side and not let them try and control. My husband finally told his parents that if he was to choose it would be me. That you leave you family and cling to your wife. We are 12 years married now and the in laws have come around to the fact that whether they like me or like that their son married me we are together.

I just want to say to you that regardless if this marriage with you son and future DIL is a mistake in your opinion or not.. it isn't something you can fix or control.

It seems that you have tried very hard to let things go with her and hold your thoughts. I wouldnt let her walk on you or mistreat you in anyway...

I don't agree that if you marry someone that you are MARRIED to the family or in laws too. I believe that as with all relationships that there has to be kindness, mutual respect and that grows over time. I also believe that the marriage comes first.

My last comment on this would be not to get involved with their spats. I wouldn't let her talk to you about your son and their fights... or him telling you about her either.. it puts you in the middle ~ exactly where you dont want to be.

Be there for him if this marriage fails.. you sound like a good mother. Just be leary of the DIL because your son loves her and is going to protect her ~ at least for now.

Good luck.. I hope you take these thoughts as mean't ~ it is a difficult situation and believe me your DIL knows how you feel whether you have stated it or not..which is in part why she most likely doesn't want him calling you. I also feel that if you tell them BOTH in front of eachother that you don't want to be involved in their fights the DIL will not feel so anxious about him calling you.

All women know the mother holds alot of power with their sons... but please don't under estimate the love between the your son and DIL like my in laws did. They caused so much unnecessary grief for us all.

Today the relationship is good.. not what I would have wanted it to be still... but much better then it was.

witness

[Maria]

Well, I think you were talking about this Saturday, right? July 10th? How did it go?

[kathy mendel]

I know so many of us have been thinking of you ........ and praying for you and your son and DIL. Please let us know how everything went on Saturday. We really do care..........