BHiles
June 7th, 2004, 11:17 PM
These are very personal thoughts for me for I am exposing myself transparently showing the weaknesses in my life. I am doing this for several reasons.
To solidify and define in my own mind what I am feeling about my life.
To define and set a marker of how I want things to change
To allow others who have "been there before" to relate their experiences.
To help others maybe define what they desire in their life.
In a few hours I will turn 40 years old. A verse has come to mind this week and keeps repeating over and over in my head. I Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
I guess for some weird reason 40 has always seemed to be adulthood. I know I probably have some unusually late delayed development that has allowed me to think this way. I have seen far to many reach this age and use mid-life as a reason to enter the rest of life with an excesss in indulgence but I truly feel that everthing in my life was foundation and now it is time to build on the investment that has been made in me by others and God and to at least try to become all that God has for me to be.
God has been very, very good to me. I have a great life, marriage and at this point two of my three boys have decided to be in ministry as vocation. (the third is only 8, the allure of police work still enamors him :): Things have been accomplished in my vocational life way over what I had ever dreamed could be. So at this "mid-life" I look back with much satisfaction and praise to God for what He has given me. Anything else that came into my life from here on out "is cake" except there is till one thing that I really, really want I really want for nothing except this . . .
I want God to use me.
There have been many times when I thought that I could have been used but because of lack of faith I backed away from the precipice and dove under a rock in fear of what He was preparing me to do.
This lack of faith I believe comes from my using indulgence to cover and spend time away from that which is spiritual. My personal life has become way to far filled with these indulgences. From the food (quality and quantity) I eat to the media that I view and listen to, to the work I do, in so many ways I have allowed myself to be deceived that these were there for my relaxation, "I deserve them" "I work hard" and in many ways they have been a covering for my lack of being obedient to the Spirit and they have made me spiritually undisciplined and out of balance. Today I work to stop thinking as a child.
I am learning something: It is not just good enough to give the Spiritual or the spirit equal time in our lives. It is not enough to say “I will give the flesh this much time and I will counterbalance to give the spirit this much time”. There is no such thing. The flesh will always take its time and steal so much more. The spirit must be in control at all times with the flesh in subjection. The flesh must be taught to become obedient to the spirit. It is time (and has been time) for this that I know to be put into practice. It is time for me to put away the childish things. It is time for me to become a man fully under the subjection of the Holy Spirit at all times so I can be used.
I do not want God to put me on the shelf. At times I feel like a swimmer who has trained and trained for the Olympics and now I am standing in the blocks and The starter gun goes off. Everyone leaps into the race and I am to scared to leap. I fear that at some point, He may decide to stop putting me in the blocks just out of shear frustration and I know I frustrate Him. I know, I know, His mercy endureth forever. In fact I know an awful lot about the Christian life. Believe me I am not being boastful about this. I am most certainly ashamed of it. I do know the Christian Life. I know the doctrine. I know its principles. I have enjoyed some of the greatest teachers from a variety of evangelical viewpoints this generation has known. I have studied it backwards and forwards. In School, in church, for enjoyment, for research, I know it intimately. But this one thing I have learned, Knowledge of God does not mean you know God. My application is no where near my understanding. This is a great disappointment to me but I am sure even greater to my Saviour. Please learn this earlier than I have. . . .
If one spends too much time in learning the game instead of playing the game, one will fail to ever win the game. All is vanity.
God has done some wonderful things for me this year to allow me to rid myself of the excuses for not going forward. I must admit that even though I have been a Born-again believer for almost 36 years it is still so frightening. God scares my socks off. He always has these big ideas and I have no idea where He is going. This is my downfall and I believe that becoming more spirit controlled will help ease some of my fears. Today I work to stop understanding as a child . . .
How does this relate to you my friends of RR. Well hopefully you can learn earlier in areas I haven't. I have always had a concern that when giving an answer to you concerning an area of questioning, debate or your life, that I haven't always been Holy Spirit controlled. I have tried to do this and I feel that it is important that I be in tune with what the Holy Spirit wants me to say than what I want to say. I must admit that this has not always been the case. For this I apologize. I believe I have done you a disservice. Matthew 12:36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. I wish to be better at this. I from now on will not respond to posts without prayerful consideration first. I believe that there is an unknown communication that goes with everything that is said. I also believe that some things that are discussed are of utmost importance in your life personally and to the Kingdom of God as a whole. There have been many times when that communication is either missing by me or not perceived by the hearer. The words may have been eloquent (or not) and completely correct but without the love and power of God on them they are a tinkling cymbal. Today I work to stop speaking as a child.
So now moving forward I work toward the prize. Phillipians 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
I hope that I have not wasted too much time and there is still much for me to do. I do not want to get to the end of the next 40 years and find myself feeling the same way.
To solidify and define in my own mind what I am feeling about my life.
To define and set a marker of how I want things to change
To allow others who have "been there before" to relate their experiences.
To help others maybe define what they desire in their life.
In a few hours I will turn 40 years old. A verse has come to mind this week and keeps repeating over and over in my head. I Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
I guess for some weird reason 40 has always seemed to be adulthood. I know I probably have some unusually late delayed development that has allowed me to think this way. I have seen far to many reach this age and use mid-life as a reason to enter the rest of life with an excesss in indulgence but I truly feel that everthing in my life was foundation and now it is time to build on the investment that has been made in me by others and God and to at least try to become all that God has for me to be.
God has been very, very good to me. I have a great life, marriage and at this point two of my three boys have decided to be in ministry as vocation. (the third is only 8, the allure of police work still enamors him :): Things have been accomplished in my vocational life way over what I had ever dreamed could be. So at this "mid-life" I look back with much satisfaction and praise to God for what He has given me. Anything else that came into my life from here on out "is cake" except there is till one thing that I really, really want I really want for nothing except this . . .
I want God to use me.
There have been many times when I thought that I could have been used but because of lack of faith I backed away from the precipice and dove under a rock in fear of what He was preparing me to do.
This lack of faith I believe comes from my using indulgence to cover and spend time away from that which is spiritual. My personal life has become way to far filled with these indulgences. From the food (quality and quantity) I eat to the media that I view and listen to, to the work I do, in so many ways I have allowed myself to be deceived that these were there for my relaxation, "I deserve them" "I work hard" and in many ways they have been a covering for my lack of being obedient to the Spirit and they have made me spiritually undisciplined and out of balance. Today I work to stop thinking as a child.
I am learning something: It is not just good enough to give the Spiritual or the spirit equal time in our lives. It is not enough to say “I will give the flesh this much time and I will counterbalance to give the spirit this much time”. There is no such thing. The flesh will always take its time and steal so much more. The spirit must be in control at all times with the flesh in subjection. The flesh must be taught to become obedient to the spirit. It is time (and has been time) for this that I know to be put into practice. It is time for me to put away the childish things. It is time for me to become a man fully under the subjection of the Holy Spirit at all times so I can be used.
I do not want God to put me on the shelf. At times I feel like a swimmer who has trained and trained for the Olympics and now I am standing in the blocks and The starter gun goes off. Everyone leaps into the race and I am to scared to leap. I fear that at some point, He may decide to stop putting me in the blocks just out of shear frustration and I know I frustrate Him. I know, I know, His mercy endureth forever. In fact I know an awful lot about the Christian life. Believe me I am not being boastful about this. I am most certainly ashamed of it. I do know the Christian Life. I know the doctrine. I know its principles. I have enjoyed some of the greatest teachers from a variety of evangelical viewpoints this generation has known. I have studied it backwards and forwards. In School, in church, for enjoyment, for research, I know it intimately. But this one thing I have learned, Knowledge of God does not mean you know God. My application is no where near my understanding. This is a great disappointment to me but I am sure even greater to my Saviour. Please learn this earlier than I have. . . .
If one spends too much time in learning the game instead of playing the game, one will fail to ever win the game. All is vanity.
God has done some wonderful things for me this year to allow me to rid myself of the excuses for not going forward. I must admit that even though I have been a Born-again believer for almost 36 years it is still so frightening. God scares my socks off. He always has these big ideas and I have no idea where He is going. This is my downfall and I believe that becoming more spirit controlled will help ease some of my fears. Today I work to stop understanding as a child . . .
How does this relate to you my friends of RR. Well hopefully you can learn earlier in areas I haven't. I have always had a concern that when giving an answer to you concerning an area of questioning, debate or your life, that I haven't always been Holy Spirit controlled. I have tried to do this and I feel that it is important that I be in tune with what the Holy Spirit wants me to say than what I want to say. I must admit that this has not always been the case. For this I apologize. I believe I have done you a disservice. Matthew 12:36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. I wish to be better at this. I from now on will not respond to posts without prayerful consideration first. I believe that there is an unknown communication that goes with everything that is said. I also believe that some things that are discussed are of utmost importance in your life personally and to the Kingdom of God as a whole. There have been many times when that communication is either missing by me or not perceived by the hearer. The words may have been eloquent (or not) and completely correct but without the love and power of God on them they are a tinkling cymbal. Today I work to stop speaking as a child.
So now moving forward I work toward the prize. Phillipians 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
I hope that I have not wasted too much time and there is still much for me to do. I do not want to get to the end of the next 40 years and find myself feeling the same way.