Debatable Topic...

[InHisDesign]

Should a mother stay at home with her children/child even if it means that the family will struggle financially and lose great benefits??

I am asking, of course, because this is weighing on me. My new baby (and the only one we are planning) is such a joy to me. I hate leaving her every day and it's only been 3 of them!!

I want to quit working after we can save up some money, but then my dh will bring up something new he'd like to have and I feel like I should do everything I can to give him what he wants/needs. (let me just say that he by no means wastes money). He has one hobby/passion and it's an expensive one. But he'd sell everything if it meant the best for his child/me.

He has told me to do what I want and we'd make it work, but I just can't see taking away from him the only passtime he has besides working. I like to see him enjoy himself once in awhile.

Plus, I have the benefits at my job and he has been offered them but we don't know how much they will cost and they are a 60/40 split instead of a 90/10 which we have right now. Big change after spending 4 days in the hospital with her.

TIA

YSIC

[cindyw]

Personally Tia, I believe, if at all possible----even giving up hobbies, that a mom should stay home and raise her children. I believe that is God's best and His plan for family. In this day and time with ungodliness at every turn, who better to instill your and your husbands values than you----and to protect your child. Other people can be nice and kind to your children, but ultimately they WILL have an effect on your child's mindset----many times not for the best.

My husband thought when I first got pregnant with my twins that I would go ahead and finish nursing school and he would take care of the twins so I could study. After graduation, he would work differing shifts from me so we wouldn't have childcare costs. Once the babies came reality hit. :D: Now he says he would work 2 jobs to keep me at home and available for my children (who are now in 4th grade). Believe me, no amount of stuff, no hobby/extracurricular activity is worth not being able to be with your children. Also, the truth is, when a woman works outside the home 1 of 2 things happens: ALOT more is put on the husband OR the Woman does almost EVERYTHING, then gets bitter about the inequity. my two cents. Blessings in Jesus, Cindy:):

[Ajani]

The good thing about hobbies is that they will be there in the future. He wouldn't necessarily have to give up his hobby forever. Just for now, and it sounds like he feels that it would be well worth it.

[KrispyKritter]

When I was in my early 20's and my wife was expecting our first child, I didn't think twice about it... she would work. I mean afterall, no one can live on one income, right? WRONG! You'd be amazed at how easy it is to live on one income. One key is to stay out of debt! It will eat you alive.

Sacrifice is the name of the game. Hobbies can be shelved. Prioritize!! You only get one shot with your kids. Screw it up, and you'll regret it the rest of your life. Do it right, and they will be a blessing to you.

We struggled for a long time financially. We paid a lot of bills late, I got laid off once, and we moved a couple times. But now we're where we want to be in life. We're making it "ok" financially. I drive a 1982 Ford pickup. We have a 98 Windstar van, but it was basically given to us by some friends who wanted to bless us.

In my career each move has been a move up, and I am making almost twice what I was making when my 9 yr old was born. We homeschool.

The Lord has blessed us as we have been faithful to his calling. He has brought blessings and people into our lives who have had profound spiritual and financial impacts on our lives. One friend got me involved in some investing that is straight on target for me to be retired by the time I'm 40. I can hardly wait because we'll be in a position to help people struggling to keep mom home like people who helped us. My wife and I have a "giving list" that we want to live by when we get to that point in a couple of years. Our number one item on our giving list is to be able to buy automobiles for 1 or 2 families per year... just give them to people. Someone did that for us... we want to show our appreciation to God by doing the same.

So... to make a long story short... stay home and trust God. We have been faithful, and He has never let us down.

[MrsG0529]

In my opinion, it's best for children to be home with a parent. No one will ever love your child the way you do. I treasure every moment I have spent with my kids (even the ones where they have driven me crazy) and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

That being said...

Would you be able to provide basic needs for your child? Will she be clothed, fed, and warm in the winter? Is there a state program in your state that will provide insurance at a low cost for children with no insurance? Will the lack of money cause such a strain in your marriage and family that it would not be worth your quitting your job? I know that we sacrifice a LOT for me to be able to stay home.

Also, as for hobbies, they can be picked up at a later time. My husband used to do Civil War reenacting (as discussed in another thread) but because of the HUGE expense of it, he has quit until our children are grown and we're both able to do it without putting a strain on our family. My husband was willing to sacrifice a "play" thing for the good of our family. The way you talk about your husband, it sounds like he would do the same thing. A man is to love his wife and family sacrificially...as Christ loves the church.

I will pray with you about your decision. I just can't imagine leaving such a young baby in someone else's care every day. It would break my heart and I'm sure it does yours. Hang in there.

Edited to add: Seek God's will in this. If you are obedient to His plan for your life, He will also give you the means to carry through, whether it be financial or emotional or whatever.

[Mrstks]

I live in an area where we are told you can't live unless both work. Guess what...........that is a lie. We don't make a huge living. But I have been home since before my dd was born. That was almost 5yrs ago. And I haven't missed it. Now I am homeschooling too, and again, I haven't missed not being able to do everything we want to do. The best thing also has been to pay everything in cash!!!!!!! That helps the best. If you don't have the money.....you don't buy it. Hobbies, dates, ect..... You can do cheap babysitting normally by getting with other families who have kids and trade for date nights. Also if you are in debt.....work hard to get out. We are just finally getting fully out of debt and it has been the biggest problem with me being at home to be honest. But....it still is worth it.

The biggest bible verse that comes to mind is in Matthew........"Do not store up treasure on earth where moth and rust destroy, and theives break in and steal. But store up treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and theives do not break in a steal." INvesting in your children is indeed storing up treasures in heaven. So you may not have everything that everyone around you has........but in the long run is that what is improtant? If you are seriuosly feeling the call to stay home and DH is giving you his blessing to do so........do it. Don't feel guilty because you get him everything he wants, he does understand that life is more important than things. I mean as a parent can we give our kids everything they want? Do we as adults get everything we want? Of course not, if we do we tend to be spoiled and unbearable to live with.:laugh So take a good look at your finances, see what is truely nessicary and what isn't. Cut expensives and stick to a budget.

And trust me years down the road a kid will not remember how many toys they have, what kind of things are in the house, but how much time you invested in them. :nod

[KrispyKritter]

Originally posted by MrsG0529
Would you be able to provide basic needs for your child? Will she be clothed, fed, and warm in the winter? Is there a state program in your state that will provide insurance at a low cost for children with no insurance? Will the lack of money cause such a strain in your marriage and family that it would not be worth your quitting your job? I know that we sacrifice a LOT for me to be able to stay home.

This is a good point. I've never had to work two jobs, but I found ways on the side to make extra money at times. Sold wood, work on vehicles for people, whatever I needed to do. Even sold moonshine ... just kidding! I know alot of homeschool dads who hold down two jobs. Whatever it takes.

[Mary Warner]

Oh how I wish that I could choose all over again, with five grown children, I was a go to work mom. My husband and I decided that after each child was at least two that I would return to work. Looking back I know I missed so many precious things. I would gladly make financial sacrifices if I had it to do over. Cherish your children while you can, they won't be small forever. :angel :wave ;):

[InHisDesign]

Well, you guys pretty much made up my mind.

I am, however, going to stick it out for a few more months since I have the insurance. We can get dh's insurance figured out and get things settled. I am also going to put away as much money as possible as I go, so that it's easier when I get to that point.

Here's a question, what if when I get to the month I am thinking about and my dh says he wants me to keep working. Should I argue and get my way, or submit and follow his wishes??

sigh.....

[Patty T]

I agree with the posters to stay home with your children. Hind-sight is a wonderful thing. I would have done it then, knowing what I know now.

I believe it's God's plan for the mom to stay home.


Patty

[antsinmypants]

Stay home with your kids!

Trust me, My mom did, and it's made a heck of a load of difference than my aunts have made in their kids lives by working all the time.


I'm going to do the same...

[cameron222]

Money management is often more important than "how much" one makes. If you can keep a lid on debt, scale down to one car, one cable outlet, cut back eating out, buy cheaper clothes and wear them longer, take vacations that are economical and learn to live within your means....you can make it. :nod

But the world tries to make us believe that success is acquiring "stuff." Most stuff we have is stuff we do not need, it goes out of style quickly, it requires a lot of upkeep and its purchased for the benefit of showing it off so folks will know how "important" we are.

Those sweet memories of mom waiting at home with the warm plate of cookies when the children come home from school will last a lifetime and speak volumes as to your committment to them.

I lone the "Leave It To Beaver" model but the world screams no way!!!!!!!!!:eek

[Teresa]

My question is who is watching your baby while you work. I ask this because I am a day care provider in my home and I know quite alot about how hard it is to watch other people's childern. Its not a subject that many will talk about, but let me tell you that it is very difficult to bond with a baby that is not your own.

I grew up with my mom doing daycare and after I had my one and only baby I just knew that I could never let a stranger watch her. So, I became a babysitter to make the money and keep her with me. It a 11 years later and I still do child care. It is basically a wonderful job and I do care for my kids, but I don't love them like a mother loves her child. I never miss them once they walk out the door. Oh I have loved a few, but that has its own set of problems. Because when they leave they are gone and I don't ever see them again. I try not to get my heart broke.

My beliefs is that a mother should stay home whenever possible. Or at least don't leave them a the sitters for 12 hours a day. Yes I have had quite a few of those. I could tell you horror stories of parents I have had to deal with. I think the good Lord sometimes sends me the worst of the worst because He knows I can do the job.

You could do child care if you have the temperment for it. My sister has tried several times but she just doesn't have what it takes to have a house full of kids. She sells things on E-Bay, which is a pretty good way to make money.

I worry that you are planning on working during the most important time. Its those first three years that I feel a mom really should stay home.

[MrsG0529]

Originally posted by InHisDesign
Here's a question, what if when I get to the month I am thinking about and my dh says he wants me to keep working. Should I argue and get my way, or submit and follow his wishes??

sigh.....

What is your husband saying now when you discuss it with him? It's pretty normal for him to have a huge fear about shouldering ALL of the financial burden. Discuss it far enough in advance that it won't be a huge shock. In fact, I would start whittling down my finances slowly starting now.

[AlishaGail]

Along the same lines of what MrsG0529 said, maybe you can also start not spending ANY of your paycheck now. Not only will it give you both an idea of how you'll have to live with just his paycheck, but it will also provide a savings stash for when you do quit working. That savings stash can be the difference between a comfortable life with not as many worries about emergencies and you having to go back to work after one... or your hubby working a second job, which IS stressful and cuts back on family time.

I hope that things work out, to the point that he can keep his job and expenses are met for you all. :):

Lisha

[SeaDreamer]

I'm not a mommy but I own a book that might help you. Its called Miserly Moms:Living on One Income in a Two Income Economy by Jonni McCoy.

Lots of good strategies on reducing your budget instead of increasing your salary.

There is even a chapter on getting your husband committed to the lifestyle. :thumb

[Chris4Christ]

Originally posted by antsinmypants
Stay home with your kids!

Trust me, My mom did, and it's made a heck of a load of difference than my aunts have made in their kids lives by working all the time.

I'm going to do the same...

When people say things like this, I don't think they realize how very INSULTING it is. I know that you didn't mean to be insulting, Ants, but the result is the same. It's as if working moms don't care about their children and don't raise children as well as SAHM's. That's not fair, and it's certainly not true.

My two sisters get to stay at home with their children. Unluckily, I have to work. As much as I'd love to quit my job, it's not feasible. But you know what? My sisters would be the first to tell you that my children are the sweetest, most-loving, well-adjusted children around...quite as much as their own children or any other children I know for that matter.

Is staying at home with the kids better than working? Sure, it is. But that doesn't mean that just because I work that I'm not going to have an impact on my kids' lives or that I'll have less of an impact. If it's done right and if you keep your priorities straight (family first!), it is more than possible to be a working mother AND a good mother.;):

[REG]

Here's an article that might help you with this decision.

Second incomes: twice the work, half the return

Take into account a host of job-related expenses like commuting and child care and second incomes can actually cost more than they produce.

By choosing not to work, a woman often times gets labeled as being on the “mommy track. (I say to this statement, who cares!!!)

http://moneycentral.msn.com/content/CollegeandFamily/Loveandmoney/P37100.asp

I knew a DA, making $60K/yr. She finally figured in ALL her expenses and found she only made $100 a month. She changed professions and became a stay-at-home mom.

It is ALWAYS in the best interest of the child for a parent to stay home.

[SkyFullOfStars]

Love doesn't put food on the table.

[MrsG0529]

Originally posted by SkyFullOfStars
Love doesn't put food on the table.

Are you even reading what people are writing? :rolleyes :rolleyes

[antsinmypants]

One of my favorite sayings from old movies "Two can live as cheaply as one, and three as cheaply as two".


Chris, you know it wasn't meant as insulting.

[milkncookiesmom]

Originally posted by cameron222

Those sweet memories of mom waiting at home with the warm plate of cookies when the children come home from school will last a lifetime and speak volumes as to your committment to them.


Yes! Exactly! That is the very reason I chose my username. Milkncookiesmom. It is a tribute to my own mom, who is now with Jesus. She was always there when we came home from school often with warm cookies and always ready to listen to us rehash our school day with her. I miss her. Wish I still could rehash my days with her sometimes. :):

[Chris4Christ]

Originally posted by antsinmypants
Chris, you know it wasn't meant as insulting.

I know it, Ants. :kiss

And I do think that if any mom has the opportunity and the ability to stay at home with her kids, she definitely should.:):

[KrispyKritter]

When I see posts like "Love doesnt put food on the table" I have to wonder: Where is your faith?

I understand that there are situations where the mom has to work, and of course no one is advocating that we starve our kids in order to keep mom home. But I also know a lot of people who say "I have to work!" but then I see that they have a new SUV and a sedan, a big house, pay $40 a month for TV, etc etc... I'm certainly not saying that the person who posted that is like that because I know nothing about them, therefore I am not passing judgement on them. But our society does not know the meaning of the word "sacrifice". It does take sacrifice. I know of no family who has made the sacrifices that are necessary to keep mom home who do not have food, shelter or clothing. God is faithful, and His promises to provide are kept so long as we keep Him first in all we do. If we honor Him with our decisions and our lives... He will not let you starve. If you dont believe that, then I have to wonder what God it is you say you serve because it's not the God of the Bible.

PLEASE do not take this post personally... when I say the word "you" in the above paragraph, I mean it in the most general of terms. I am speaking to anyone who has doubts that they can make the necessary sacrifices and still survive.

[KrispyKritter]

When it comes to providing clothing for you children... I have two words for anyone considering living on just the husbands income:

YARD SALES!!

[KrispyKritter]

As for husbands who are not convinced the mom should stay home... try everything you can to convince him. But in the end, I do believe you should biblically submit to him. HOWEVER, you should pray that the Lord would open his eyes and speak to his heart. My wife did that for me... and now I am probably the biggest advocate of stay-at-home-moms ... and homeschooling. I used to be 100% against it.

[cindyw]

Originally posted by KrispyKritter
When it comes to providing clothing for you children... I have two words for anyone considering living on just the husbands income:
YARD SALES!!


Planning ahead also saves a whole lot of cash. I buy my kid's and my clothes/shoes at end of season clearance sales at such places as JC Penny's, Dillard's, Lazarus (Macy's). I bought Gloria Vanderbuilt and Bill blass jeans for $1.77 each and the same name shorts for $.77 each----long skirts ($30-$40) for $2.77. Last spring I bought my daughter beautiful winter dresses ($50-$60) for $4.99. Tommy Hilfiger shirts for $3.99 each. My son likes those jeans with the boy embroidered on the back pockets. Those jeans are big bucks ($35-$40). I found them on clearance at Penny's last spring for $7.50.......so I bought quite a few pair in 2 different sizes. Saved me a whole lot of cash when school started up in the fall.

You can buy brand new and save a whole lot of cash if you plan ahead and it is alot of fun! :):

[KrispyKritter]

We never pay more than 50 cents for our kids clothes (it's the yard sale thing!) ... however I will admit that we broke down and just ordered a Micheal Vick (Atlanta Falcons) football jersey for my son for Christmas... $50! Yikes! Ya have to splurge every now and then. THing is, if you buy new they outgrow it so fast it isnt funny. At least a football jersey is supposed to be a little big anyway, so he should get a couple years use out of it.

[glorymj]

I love the thrift stores. :D:

Especially the thrift store "discount" rack. Everything's a quarter.

No sense in paying much more than a quarter for boys pants anyway, for as long as they last. :wacko

[cindyw]

Originally posted by KrispyKritter
We never pay more than 50 cents for our kids clothes (it's the yard sale thing!) ... however I will admit that we broke down and just ordered a Micheal Vick (Atlanta Falcons) football jersey for my son for Christmas... $50! Yikes! Ya have to splurge every now and then. THing is, if you buy new they outgrow it so fast it isnt funny. At least a football jersey is supposed to be a little big anyway, so he should get a couple years use out of it.

My dear MIL was a yard sale pro---still is when she has time. She has outfitted my kids since they were born with some really nice clothes she's found at Yard sales. Personally, I love garage sales, but I HATE digging through the clothes, so I may pay more at the Stores I shop, but I still save a boatload of cash........my splurging this year was for my son: I bought him a DOWN winter parka (bright orange with fur lined hood---he loves orange)---Tommy Hilfiger.......it was $110.00-----I paid $25.00 or thereabouts, brand new at Macy's..........:B:

[cindyw]

Originally posted by glorymj
I love the thrift stores. :D:

Especially the thrift store "discount" rack. Everything's a quarter.

No sense in paying much more than a quarter for boys pants anyway, for as long as they last. :wacko

yes, that's a great idea for kids who grow really fast (like my daughter) or trash their clothes. Thanks for the reminder........Blessings in Jesus, Cindy:):

[Witness4Jesus]

I love staying home with my children. I gave up my career I am a nurse. I was making a great income and we were used to that income. It was difficult to suddenly be without that income BUT I did hire a nanny when my first child was born and I just couldn't stand leaving her. So now I am full time mommy and have been for 4 years now. I love it.

You can make adjustments. I would do anything to continue to stay home.

Maybe your husband can look for a hobby that is less expensive and that he will still enjoy.


Witness,

[milkncookiesmom]

Originally posted by Witness4Jesus
Maybe your husband can look for a hobby that is less expensive and that he will still enjoy.

I think my husband uses our kids as his "hobby". I like that about him. :thumb

I'm right there with all of you at the garage sales and clearance racks. I enjoy the "hunt" for unbelievable bargains and I've found that if I hold out for name brand clothes, they have great resale value. I hold my own garage sale once a year and usually gain back the same price I paid for them to begin with. My motto is "easy come, easy go". Buy it cheap and sell it cheap.

Some of my dd's nicer clothes, we give to another family at church. I have to share this story. A few years ago when their daughter was just a preschooler, my DH and I staffed the nursery during Awana every week. One week after she had her birthday she was telling about her birthday and especially liked opening her gifts. I humored her and held out my hands and gave her a pretend present and asked her to open it. Her eyes lit up and she went through the motions of unwrapping this pretend gift and I asked her what it was. She just went estatic and squealed with delight as she pulled a pair of pretend slippers to her face and said "purple fuzzy swippers!. I wuv them! Thank You!". Then she proceeded to put on her pretend "swippers" and walk around the room. :pound That was it. My heart just melted for her and it is so fun to see her wear my Dd's hand-me-downs. This family is young and both mom and dad have to work, but they stagger their shifts so that someone is home with the kids. I find it gratifying to be able to help out. We really don't know this family well, but someday, maybe when she graduates high school, I would like to share this story with her and buy her some purple fuzzy slippers. She will probably not remember, but I was so touched by her unassuming heart.

I share this story, because I think it illustrates how kids really don't ask for much. They don't even "need" alot. The "extra" income earned in double income families doesn't compare to the love only a parent can give. :nod

[FollowerofJesus]

My wife & I used to have two incomes but it seems we didn't have any more money now as oppsed to one income. (daycare alone would rob you), also the daycare system is very dysfunctional. The right sitter is important & if you can't find one you are relying on a stranger who cares nothing about your child being paid a minimal wage. The fruits show through the childs behaviour. Single parents must do this & the children suffer like it or not. My experience has been mother being there for child has improved behaviour where he is shown love & guidance at home.

Peace to you all